Chandler Bing Quotes

QUOTES BY CHANDLER:


[pounding a scone]
Ross Geller: Stupid British snack food!
Chandler Bing: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?



[In response to a stupid comment.]
Chandler Bing: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.



Joey Tribbiani: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means.
Chandler Bing: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?



Rachel Green: Guess what, GUESS WHAT?!
Chandler Bing: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?



Ross Geller: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare!
Chandler Bing: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy! My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT!"



Joey Tribbiani: Want some jam?
Chandler Bing: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.



Phoebe Buffay: We can be guys! Come on, let us be guys!
Chandler Bing: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.

[Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms.]
Chandler Bing: Condoms?
Joey Tribbiani: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler Bing: And condoms are the way to do that?




[Monica looks fat in an old home movie.]
Monica Geller: The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler Bing: So how many cameras are actually on you?

Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave.
Chandler Bing: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's?



[About Ross' new baby]
Rachel Green: I can't believe one of us has one of these.
Chandler Bing: I know. I still am one of these.



Chandler Bing: [dancing and singing] She's going to call me back, she's going to call me back!
Monica Geller: Don't you still have to pee?
Chandler Bing: That's why I'm dancing!




Chandler Bing: [to Joey] How do you not fall down more?



Ross Geller: So, uh, what did the insurance company say?
Chandler Bing: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."



Chandler Bing: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. ...Did I say that out loud?



Monica Geller: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing.
Chandler Bing: How do you find clothes that fit?



Chandler Bing: Gum would be perfection.

[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey Tribbiani: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads.
Chandler Bing: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?



[Rachel complaining about her father]
Rachel Green: Oh, it was horribile! He called me "young lady"!
Chandler Bing: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that!



Monica Geller: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Paul, the wine guy!
Ross Geller: Hey, Paul!
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, Paul!
Rachel Green: Hi, Paul!
Chandler Bing: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?





Chandler Bing: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point.



Chandler Bing: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.






Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I got something for you.
Chandler Bing: What's this?
Joey Tribbiani: Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
Chandler Bing: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.





Ross Geller: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Chandler Bing: What, you never look down in the shower? [pause] Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?



Susie: Chandler Bing?
Chandler Bing: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
Chandler Bing: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up!



Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Chandler Bing: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.



[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife.]
Ross Geller: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey Tribbiani: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross Geller: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler Bing: Stay out of my freezer!



[Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica.]
Chandler Bing: That was pretty intense, huh?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here.
Chandler Bing: I hope he did!



Chandler Bing: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.




Ross Geller: It would be so cool to live across from you guys!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, yeah! Then we could do that telephone thing! Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string!
Chandler Bing: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing.




Chandler Bing: If I'm gonna be an old lonely guy, I need a thing, a hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be "Crazy man with a snake"! Crazy Snake Man! Then I'll buy more snakes, call them my children. Kids won't walk past my house, they will run! "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!




[Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony.]
Chandler Bing: Too many jokes! Must mock Joey!

Chandler Bing: Men are here!
Joey Tribbiani: We make fire! Cook meat!
Chandler Bing: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Chandler Bing: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey Tribbiani: So -- you're just Bing?
Chandler Bing: I have no name.
Phoebe Buffay: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler Bing: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey Tribbiani: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler Bing: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe Buffay: Um... Gene.
Chandler Bing: It's Clint. It's Clint!
Joey Tribbiani: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe Buffay: Bye, Gene.
Chandler Bing: It's Clint! Clint!
Joey Tribbiani: What's up with Gene?

Monica Geller: You wanted it to be a surprise.
Chandler Bing: Oh my God.
Monica Geller: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best... [crying] There's a reason why girls don't do this.
Chandler Bing: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?
Monica Geller: Yes.

[When asked if he knows anything about chicks.]
Chandler Bing: Fowl? No. Women? ...No.


Chandler Bing: "Handle" is my middle name! Oh, Actually , it's the middle letters of my first name.

Chandler Bing: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey Tribbiani: I know this doen't make much sense...
Chandler Bing: MUCH sense?



Phoebe Buffay: Come on, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosterone-y!
Chandler Bing: Which, by the way, is the real "San Francisco treat."



Chandler Bing: [hangs up phone] I got her machine.
Joey Tribbiani: Her answering machine?
Chandler Bing: No, no. Interestingly enough, her leaf-blower picked up