Different ways to feel scared

Don't really know what to wright now...

I'm a sixteen year old girl, an I'm terrified for physical touch. Not the tough itself, but the sexual part of it. I know that's not very strange for my age, but in my case it's quite different.

I've been attracted to some boys that I know, and they've been attracted to me, but everytime they get closer than the average friend, I immediately back away and start ignoring them. I don't like it when they touch me or get close to me, but in someway I do want them to.

When ever they touch me all my mussles start to shake, I get really tense an sort of scared. And in my head I immediately want them to back of and go away.

You see:
When I was a little girl some things happend to me. Sexually I mean. An older men did some things wich I can't forget. I've searched for help and everything, but I just can't get over it. This is a part I mostly keep to myself.

I'm not a very touching person with my friends. Even though I would like to hug them. And everytime they hug or tough me, My musles tighten.

I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to make it dissapear. I've noticed that talking doesn't really work for me.


And if this wasn't enough, I have some other feelings that really confuse me to.

Ever since I can remember, I've had struggles with my sexuality. I am a girl and I've alsway been attracted to men, but I've also been attracted to women. (even when I was a little girl). I've never been able to answer the question which sex I've liked more.

I'm pritty much sure of the fact that I'm bi, but I don't want to tell anyone and I don't want a lable printed on me.
And to be honest, my family isn't really open to different sexualities.

Please coment and help me because I've been holding it in ever since I can remember.

x