dirty little secret

there is this thing we call history
this accumillation of things that happend

most think it happend before now
but i can tell you this
some things in the past are still to happen

some say it is a butterfly effect
some say it is a selffulfilling profecy
some say it is old dusty uninteresting BS
some say it is a lost highway
or plain old route 666

i can tell you this
some things are still to happen
to fill the gaps in our history
and knowing this
i try not to screw up
but we will

sometimes i can see right through myself
meaning with this that at such a moment
i should not have been here
i should have been dead, for things to happen
i cheated histories future

i prayed for life
because i don't wanna miss a thing
the cost of this is that i have to endure

some think of these things as something special
i just think of it as normal
in my surroundings many have this ability
many have this knowledge

many go to sleep with the monster in their beds
not underneth

i try not to hurt any one
and therefore i sometimes have to be cruel
and kill whole worlds
just to start a new

but i know no one gets hurt in that
because it already happend
and it was swift and indiscriminate
only the few remember

and the few know they would not have done other than what i did
and what i do

this is a dirty little secret
because i would do all i can and all i could
just because i love you

we try so hard to do the right thing
but in the end .....
we are judged by those who have not been there
to make these choises
these decissions

i can remember a world
which had lots of love and honnesty
i had to destroy it
just to keep her save

and i do and do not regret
because i could not do any thing else
to save her

please
those of you able of this
do not make me kill you
because you were selfish

i have killed enough
and i have done more than you could dream of

i sleep with the monsters
and i crawl in the dark
not because i am such a low life
but because
i couldn't stand tall
if i did not have done what i did

i pay for the things i did not do
so should you !
so should you

and to my friend
who will not read my words
but has my mind
i try so hard
if you judge me
please be kind
but fair !