i have to just let go. Just let go. V.V

im sitin in my room alone i hold my razor blades in my hand. my wrist are oozing out the bad thoughts along with the stickiness that holds me together. I want to do it. I want to just bring my hands up and do one quick and smooth movement across my neck and finish it now. But im scared i dont want to hurt anyone. I dont want to take the easy way out. I just want it to end. i am no pussy or a bitch im not afraid of death. I just dont want to let go of the little slice of potential that i could have for a life. I want to die but yet i dont want to let go. I am so confused. I cut my calf hoping to make these thoughts leak away. So far no good or noticable results. jake is downstairs sleeping i have the note written. I just dont want to hurt him hes my true luv and i keep feeling like we might have a future someday. I had looked on my stomach looking for my scars saying hush hush hush. It was the night that i had gotten beaten and thought of the words that my mother said to calm me down...hush hush hush.
i have to let go. I have to let go. Thats what keeps going through my mind. Let go ash ash is all i can hear out of the hallway. Let go ash ash. Im sorry jess but i cant do it. I only can think about them. And after all i catch myself thinking is why cant i? why? why cant i just stop being a biotch and let go? i hear her scream echoe in my ears over and over i hear her scream. i look up and all i can see is her everywhere. Why cant i just let go? i have to let go. Just one more cut and i will be with jess and happy again. But jake will find me and be destroyed. Just let go. Just let go. Just let go. Im sorry jess. Just hang on. Just hang on. Just hang on. Im sorry jake. Just let go. And it will be over soon enough echoes. Just let go.