Kris and me: kids

I never understood why people, especially women, love children. I actually hate children. For some reason I still do. But this feeling has become ambiguous.

I just saw a picture of someone's son. Such a beautiful gift was given to the world, he looked so happy. It made me fucking emotional. (WTF is wrong with me..). Kris and I could have been making a beautiful child in the future too. Maybe that's why I got so emotional. I had imagined, planned, fantasized the future of me and Kris together in quite an early stage. What was my mind thinking? She already had a fucking boyfriend, she was living together with him. Why was I so dreamy? Why couldn't I feel the facts that were in front of me?

That dream was torn away from me, by time, by her, by myself.. Nowadays, sometimes I feel like I can take on the world, not giving an emotional shit what has happened between me and Kris. But there are many moments that I just break down again and remember this physical dream that I've had up till today. Every recall of that dream just makes me burst into tears.

Acceptance.. it's so much more than just coping with the situation as it is. It's stopping with remembering the embodiment of the Self. I can't. But the more I hold on to this complexity, the more I injure myself.