Scripted cute behaviour

I have this thing I call "cute girl behaviour" scripting. And sure, I have a cute appearance, but I know that behaviour is scripted because I only do it when I'm joking around or when I feel uncomfortable, when my anxious levels are high and/or I do not know how to say what I want. Or I do, but I'm holding myself back for one reason or another. Also, since I'm aware of it, I can almost feel myself slipping into the role. There's absolutely nothing wrong with acting cutesy and cutely, *if that's your thing* if that just feels good to do.

But for the thing I do. I feel it's analogous to overly macho behaviour for many amabs. But then again, I'm just an arm chair sociologist/psychologist.

It's behaviour I have adapted during the years I learnt that being just my open, talkative, sharing self in the village I moved to when I was 8, would bring me odd looks and people acting shitty out of jealousy. Of my clothes, of my performance in school, of the things I have, you name it. There were also a couple of discriminatory teachers, at home I had a stepfamily that became shittier with each month, etc. My family has a tendency to get vocally angry, sometimes by throwing things around, and even if they were patient, it just. Has. An effect on children.

Making myself small, unintimidating, was the answer my survival instincts gave me. Lowering my expectations and shoving away my wishes and desires. Alongside with "good girl syndrome". If I would just do my very best, if I would just do everything absolutely fucking perfect, surely everyone would just be nice to me, and I would have freedom to do what I want, right?

Another thing is, that I've always had a mediator personality on me. It's a great asset, and I love it. But even mediation, I just do in a whole different way when I'm feeling me, feeling confident and secure in myself. I don't do it in a way to "keep everyone my friends", I do it with a different approach

I wish there was a shortcut to delete that fucking scripted behaviour. It does not serve me anymore. But there's not. So I resolve to continue working on myself.