bedsheets

It's been more than 2 months ago since I changed my bed sheets. Not necessarily because I don't like changing my sheets. I used to do it every 2 or 3 days when Kris and I were still together. But ever since we broke up, my bed just hasn't felt the same anymore. I sleep at one side, always with my clothes on, try to make myself as small as possible. I actually vacuumed my room yesterday, only to discover that there were spiderwebs and spiders at the other side. I thought it was funny at that moment. But today I just came to realize how sad it really was.

I changed my sheets today though. I had taken a shower, went into my robe and felt really cozy. I thought I was ready to just change them. I wasn't. The stains Kris and I used to make, some of which are still hard to get off, reminded me of our intimacy. It reminded me of her and of the few days she slept next to me. More than I did myself these last few weeks. I broke down. Again.
I cried, begging God like I never did before, asking Him to return her to me.

Last Monday I went to my psychiatrist again. A habit I guess. I thought I was feeling better, but as soon as we started talking about Kris, tears came down my cheeks again and it was very hard to have our session. Tonight I accepted again that this was no ordinary heartbreak. It used to take me a max of 4 weeks to get over someone. In this case. it's been over 2 months already. I had never felt so desperate, so empty and so drained before.

[Way back, when I was also writing here a few years ago, I was wondering why I only wrote down the negative feelings here. It's a fact that I've had my share of wonderful feelings too. Why don't I write those down? Have an entry that starts, continues and ends with positivity. Now wouldn't that be something.]

As of recently, I have a surrogate dancepartner. She invited me to her place last Monday to join her with diner. Who was I to decline? In the kitchen I was watching her. She was definitely not the prettiest nor was she refined as women usually were according to my taste. Yet there was something about her that just was attractive. So I approaced her from behind while she was cooking and I gently smelled her neck, her cheek, her ear. My lips touched her skin, without making it sexually explicit. I didn't kiss her skin. Something held me back. It was my heart. It was Kris. Instead, I gave her a hug and aborted the tension I started building in the first place.

This Friday I will sleep at someone's place. Another dancepartner. We almost had sex a few weeks ago, but then I aborted as well. It were pure hormones that wanted to be intimate with her. But my heart won that battle too. Everything was just off. And here I am again, planning to go to her place this Friday again. What am I hoping to achieve? Why would I want to start something I don't want to finish? Everything is off. Everyone is off. They are not Kris..

Tomorrow I will see Ayke again. She and I truly have something special. No sexual interest, no relationship. But more than friends will ever be. And always more than we were when she and I still had a relationship. More than most people will understand.

She and I are gonna watch series tomorrow, with the company of lots of chocolates, chips and alcohol. Yes, I want to get drunk. It's like a girls night. Except then for exes. For her and me.

Still lots of material to study for upcoming exams. I'm doing less than I should do. Just can't always find the motivation I guess.