Dear Online Weird Diary thing....

Like most teens, I hate my life.

I was born with a heart defect. I have a whole team of doctors that take great care of my little heart. I don't know if the heart defect is the reason why I have bad immune system or if its that fact that I was a vegetarian for 6 years, bad eating habits, and I slowly gains more weight then needed over the years but whatever the reason, I tend to stay sick. 3 weeks ago I had a stomach virus, now I have a severe sinus problem. I went back to the the doc today, 2 shots in my butt and 2 more bottles of pills I must add to the list.

Yes, I am a regular pill taker. I've got my Buspirione(Anxiety and depression pills),my antibiotics from staying sick, my vitimens, and now my sinus crap. Don't my life rock?

On top of that, death runs in my family. The first funeral I ever went to was my GG-Ma's. My Great-Grandmother died when I was in 2nd grade. It was the first time I'd ever seen death. I'm not sure, I even knew what it was.... After that, my uncle Clay. Died in is sleep and his funeral was on my birthday. Then my granny went into a comma and died for 5 minutes. Her mind was forever damaged. Someone had to always take care of her.... but then her husband got cancer. My grandfather admitted himself into the nursing home, so my mother could take care of my granny. Eventually, after a lot of suffering... he died. My grandmother came to live with my family.(we are basically the only ones that didn't want to put in a nursing home.) 5 years later... her kidneys begin to shut down and she dies on a Monday. I remember this because my parents picked me up from school on the day we started CATS testing. I had an anxiety attack in the parking lot...and another one at the funeral home.

Now, my mom who has tons of chronic illnesses told me, she dosen't know if she had 10 more years to live.

On top of that, I hate my friends. Last year, I was feeling sad. I went to my best friend for help and she said, "You need to cope and just get over it. We can't be friends anymore." She hurt me. She made me a bit unstable. Depressed. And above all angry. I went to my other friends for help. Sammy said, "This will blow over." Miranda cried because I apparently thought she was a "spy". Now, this year, they basically abandoned me and are all buddy buddy with her. I would never do that to them...

My only real is Katie. But she has so many problems of her own. I can't go to her with mine. I can't go to my family because I've went to them in the past. I tried to get help in the past but I've learn people make it worse. They don't understand. I can't go to anyone for help but myself.

I am alone. In silent pain.

That is why i write because its my only escape.