Don't Be So Surprised

....damnit....I swear to god, I have no self-respect... Its like when one leaves another fills the space, and from there I just go with the flow because sometimes it feels good to be used and use someone else too. But I swear I need more than this...I need the intimacy. I need the brush on the cheek, the lips on the neck, the smile in the eyes kind of head over heels passion that isn't just a sexual attraction. I think I have an undying need to put myself in compromising positions such as these where I'm seen only as an object of sexual desire instead of a human being. Don't be surprised when I crawl back to my diary in despair complaining that I have no respect for the kind of person I am and that I let myself be used...because I can't stop the cycle...its like water, I need it to get by...I need the pain to survive. I sound so melodramatic right now....I'm such a fucking drama queen. But I can't express my feelings to anyone because no one sees me as the person I am in secret. This life I'm telling you about isn't broadcasted to the world...I live this shit in secret. What happened to the innocent days of flirting when the first thing on your mind wasn't if his lips tasted good or when you could throw him against a wall.


God I need help...

Fuck.