Forget the Introductions

Forget the introductions because today is for venting, and I'm going to do a hell of a lot of it.

Wow, life just ceases to amaze me right now. I can't seem to get a handle on how to run my life. Five years of sneaking behind her back with him, and here I am sitting in this mess trying to find someone else to blame, other than myself. I would have thought that she would have caught on by now, unfortuantely she is insanely oblivious to it all. At least if she discovered us it would end...but I can't even hope for that. If it ends it closes a chapter on my life that I'm not ready to let go of. And its sick really...its ridiculous that I'm only holding on from fear of letting go. I must really enjoy punishing myself because no matter how many times I say I'm not going to go to him I run whenever he calls. He's my fatal attraction, and I feel like I'm in some twisted soap opera, but I know that he'll never want me the way he wants her...for good you know? Don't get me wrong, its AMAZING...but its lust. And I always prided myself on not wanting love, but once you've watched a few movies and realized that you keep seeing him and you in them, you realize how incredibly deep you're in. But God, I can go around and be with other guys, and here I am freaking out over one. But thats the problem, isn't it? He was the one...the first one...the one who opened me up to all this mess I'm in. HE was my first everything...and HE is the one that one get the hell out of my brain!!!!! I swear I could rip his heart in two and he wouldn't even flinch...he's just give me that look he does...the one where his eyes narrow and he smirks and he gets ready for the pounce. I just want revenge! I want him to fall for me the way I did for him...then I want to drop him and make him hurt.... I need to do this for my own sanity...I can't let all this stay pent up like I have for the past 5 years. It just doesn't work. I want him to want me so bad he can't stand it.

And now my conscience is telling me to be careful what I wish for...damn conscience.

I need advice.