no offence

i write this because somethings have passed my eyes...
and in this i will not place blame or point fingers.

the thing is that i have been asked to step out,
leave or go on vacation for a while

not once not twice, but multiple times...
some suggested to go abroad, some just hinted to go away from where i live.
even the people around me are suggesting things.

so what am i to do ?

one would say, never mind what others tell you
keep going your way.
the other would say, you are long over due for a vacation
you should think about it.

well that is the point
i am thinking

but the fact is that i fear vacations.
shit has happend that i can not explain in detail
but they were not all that great.
now i get feelings, and to be sure of my savety
i know i should get out.
but i know that if i stay, things might not happen
and i can not judge whether that is a good or a bad thing...
what i do know is is that when i do not leave as i have not left this place, this couch
things will not change.
and if they do, it could well be the end of me.

some of you have noticed weird dreams and some may have had contacts in dreams
and this is not all weird alien stuff or freaky ghostly stuff,
it can be anything,

the point is, as one mentioned to me
time is not moving as it should.
but in that, i have consiously denied my fait.
more than once.

some would say that is a bad thing to do,
maybe it is.
once you have been where i have been
once you have seen what i have seen
you would think different.
i am not pulling your leg here nor joking
shit has happend
and shit did not happen due to the denial.

in this i have lost friends,
most think i am crazy, can't see the correlations any more
believe in coincidence and dumb luck
but i know, cause i have experimented

this is thus my problem,

i as a person have been priviledged
i have written about that...
but i think that is false security

i can see events now that have past in my life and that is playing out in the world.
and no they are not the same and may be pure my imagination in seeing the correlations.
yet i do feel

something is going to happen
and last week i have been tested too many times.
it took a toll on me that was noticable in my depression
but besides that, i am getting info and urges along with them

i need a vacation, but at what cost.

the only clue i can give some is the thing that happend a few years ago.
few guys stabbed a few people in the city where i live
some of my friends were witness to it,
some of my friends know what happend earlier those weeks
and few know that what happend before the stabbings
made me very very upset.
during the stabbings i was not in the city

it was a hellish time actually
people died and some people i know got things from the past that were awefull
things i have a hard time with cause i can feel it see it smell it hear it.
information vehicle overload

is that what i am heading for ?
is that why i am trying to figure out if i should leave
on vacation that is..

no offence to any one, but i think i am not special
i am a walking disaster.

i see things on my horizon which i do not want
yet a longing lurks just the opposite
can you catch my drift ?
something is to happen, and i can not let it happen nor do i want to stop it.

i have been warned
and in this i warn you
like i have done recently in almost every entry.

i would like to make it a lot clearer than this,
but i can't

those that dream, Dream and interact.
those that feel, record.
those who have fear, prepare
those who think i am silly, a nut or what ever, i agree a nut i am in a big machine that is going haywire