that cold feeling of death

You ever held someone hand as they laid there in the bed quietly, time slowly passing by and as the time passes by the warmth of that hand just fades...

People look at me strange telling them I killed my own cat, not cause I wanted to or was for fun... but cause I had to... I know I did.. they tell me.. "its just a cat.." and I look at them and I say "I know... but I love this cat and to know I could take away a life like that so easily... do you think its fun for me?...its scary "



I remember it all well.. It was 2 years ago maybe 3.. It was in October.. my cat was getting sick already but in that day it was just worst. She didnt get up from her bed, she laid there breathing heavily i came up to her offering her some food but she didnt move she just laid there staring up at me. I left and came back with water... she still didnt want some. so I sat there petting her and she closed her eyes and purred lightly I whispered to her "Im sorry... Im sorry your suffering... I should of taken you to the vet sooner Im sorry" She opened her eyes as I talked. minutes passed and i stayed there petting her. she started to have a seizure, I got scared and yelled for my mother help and my mother came telling me dont touch her. We stayed there staring as I cried saying her name "dutches.. dutches" then she stopped, still breathing and laying there though her eyes were empty, you can tell she wasnt there anymore. I petted her but nothing happen, no eye movement her tail didnt sway. I stared at her for hours watching her lifeless body going into shock still I cried. My mother told me to put the cover over her and end it. I said no I hoped it ended soon without me doing it.

So I sat there... hours passed it was already 3 in the afternoon and I cried still nothing change and my grandma came, she told me i should end it and I told her no... I just sat there and asked God "can you please just end it already? she suffered enough I dont want her to suffer her more she did nothing wrong so please... can you end this?"
minutes later I continue to sit there and like someone holding my hand gently grabbing the cover and placing it over her. It was like this strength out no where to do this, stopping me for crying for this few second, i placed the cover over her pressing down, her body shook and then I let go quickly stopping myself but it was to late. like putting out a fire I knew I killed her, I yelled out for my mother and telling her what I just did, she held me for a few moments and I cried,
killing an animal is the ugliest feeling in my life, I never want to ever feel it again I hate it I dont know why some people enjoy it... to see a life so nice... just fade like that
I mean I lost pets before but to acutally feel it in your hands... I cant...