the endless

in time i have become older, obvious you think, and yes, but it seems as if time slows down.
years go faster, but feelings and thoughts linger longer.

the thoughts and feelings have something to them.
the younger you are the more New experiances you have,
thus more to think about
when you get older you come to terms with some things that happen more often
and they don't take so much from you
but then it hits.

most will know and acknowledge my life is pretty dull.
meaning that i have little things in life that present new things, new experiances.
not that they are not out there, but i do not go towards them.

stuck in this feeling of love that i have had for so long, finally today some one mentioned me looking better
better than a few years ago, and i agree, yet there still is a lot to be improved.

some might think i am dishonnest in this feeling , yet i try to over come it
i could embrase it, but if you knew what hell i've been through you'd say over come it.
well it is hard, every thought and feeling has been tainted by one event,
one that changed the world as i knew it, i suspected as much, but never realized it could actually happen
and when it did i got so messed up. beyond repair ?

some girls said i gave them the feeling as if they were the only one important, special
and understand, you are nothing less.
the thing is there is this curse, i will see her, for real or just inside my head and dreams
fooling myself.

this thought and feeling of love does not leave, it fades to fade right back in again,
sometimes fast and other times slowly

i refrain from going out and look for love, find love or what ever due to this
it makes me feel dishonnest, cause "she" will come in my head and mess me up
resulting in pain for any one i love.

if you knew what i felt and how i felt about myself and others, you would look so much different at me

i can tell something about it from before i met her in person.

once, back in '96 i had a girl friend,
and damn i was in love.
though i was uneasy about myself, for i was one of the popular kids, knowing i was not worth that attention
i was just a vague suicide lover.
but she loved me and i loved her, but as time progressed, a memory was installed, fake or real, who knows for sure, but i began to remember my wife, our kids and a war, nights filled with blood and death ensued
this resulted in a fragmentation of me.
one that was obviously there already but now it was opened up wide and consious,
i loved my wife instantly, and on some intimate occations i saw her smiling at me
while making love to my fysical girlfriend, this was ofcourse not fun.
you might understand the mixed feelings, and her feeling my doubts.

this went on for a while, trying not to go crazy i lived my double life
the one waking and one sleeping.
but it was to far already, and with my smoking habit it all went nuts, FUBAR
yes i was unrecognizible to myself and my friends and family.
the kid i was changed again, like i did when i was 4 years old.

i always dreamed of war and violence but when i grew older it became ever more vivid and lucid
waking up with scars and hickies...
waking up with blooded sheets and pains that were not there the night before..

and it became so fucking bad,

then when i moved out of the city
i went to a little vilage,
bad move...
though my insanity grew more and more while consious of my insanity
i met a girl
she was like the most beautyful person i had met.
she called me jesus and introduced herself as Magdalena
i was fucked then,
we had a short time of conversations before i fucked it all up

though i have doubts.
i will not go in details but i can say this
it still feels like a fucking set up.
but regardless i feel love for her

you question if you are susseptable to mind manipulation ?
i can not prove a thing, but i do know, there is weirder shit than gwBush out there.
and i will not even speak about the other weird shit.

heey girl, do know i never ment to hurt you or make you fear.
if i did, know i pay my price, willingly, but if you can
make it stop please, there is so much more than watching me die.
few will know i do uphold my promisses after death.
and i will not frighten you, that would be your bloated ego
for i will look in to this shit that happend to me, extensively
and figure out exactly what happend,
so make sure your slate is clean.

to all the once i loved and gave the impression of loving,
i am so fucking sorry.

i'm a worthless piece of shit, and i am not going to ease that stance
no one has got to bare to live with me and know there is a reincarnation of a dream of a wife.
who am i to ask that of any one,
i am a fool !

now to the order of to day,
i am not what frightens you
i am not the one you should fear
i am mere a messenger.
http://www.privacyinternational.org/article.shtml?cmd%5B347%5D=x-347-559597

i'll go to shit again,
right where i belong

i wish i could solve this on my own, but i can't, well i have not been able up to now,
maybe this will change but hope is fading

*wanting to run far far away, going out with friends makes me realize i am such a loser*

time is slowing down when a memory and a feeling tend to linger,