this moment

at this moment
i am fighting myself
there is a terrible war going on
and you don't know any of it
you might read this
and then you might know
but i wish you did not
and i hope you do

i am at war
with myself
i am psychotic
and trapped in between
my world consists of various worlds
my being here is not desired
my being there is also not desired

i am psychotic
it is happening all over again
this time a little slower
yet it is so familiar

************************************************************

it begins back in the nineties
when i was a boy in his last teens
the world changed
as worlds collided
things happen
but then i realized
i was the only one
alone
with some friends who did not
realize
any way
totaly lost in two sepperate worlds i lived
untill there was this girl
she was as well as in my dreams
she broke the barrier between worlds
and eventualy she became a world
breaking me

any way

she haunts me
she did for so long
and now she is back
back then i saw and heard every one
but all i could hear was her dissapointment
through the voices of every one
she is gentile some times
like when she talks through my mother
she does not dare to flame me then
and sometimes she does fool me
as if she does understand me

may be she does


for some time i could controle it
some times not so good

but last summer
i lost connection with her
just briefly
but enough to think i am free
then after some events
special to me
she returned
i got confused again
but managed to get it clear
but now as i worked in her city
the last two days
i am lost
broken
due to mal nurishment
a quarrel with my sister
and the connection with her
things fucked up
and back then i thought i lost everything
but now i know
i have lost a whole lot more

anyway
this is the short version

i hope she will make me cry
i hope she will make me
break me
love me
kill me

but she never does

i break myself
she loves me, not like i do
i will kill myself
when i know for sure
that this will never end

sui, man, 47 jaar

• Asih dinsdag 07 december 2004 20:28
  just try & keep trying or let it go as long as it lives
  gives sighs flies dies &
  starts living again:
  so common normal strange
  anyway you turn it
  burn it
  churn it roll it around and see what you've found on the ground
  deep inside
  open wide with the tide coming in going out with the moon
  stars herbs suns influences dances enhances trances
  no guns or knives just words feel think turn twist & shout out & write down:
  creative bouts ...!

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