Twee maanden later, brief aan Joans penvriendin

twee maanden na de dood van mijn schoonmoeder heb ik eindelijk iets geschreven wat als een tribute voelt. Nog niet helemaal, want de brief die ik hieronder heb gschreven is voornamelijk een 'account of Joans last few months', maar hopelijk breng ik Joans sterke punten uit in de brief.

Ik heb het er nog steeds moeilijk mee, om over John en zijn broers en zussen maar te zwijgen.


"10.09.08

Dear Alma,


It has been 2 months since we informed you that your friend Joan from England had died, and we felt we should get in touch with you to give you a bit more information about the last few weeks of Joan’s life and the time after she died.

In case you wonder who is writing this letter to you: I’m Imke, the wife of Joan’s youngest son (John) I have no doubt that you have heard about us in one or two of Joan’s many letters.

Ever since I have known Joan, which has been for at least the past 10 years, she has referred to you regularly as her ‘dear friend Alma from America’. She really saw you as a true friend and felt your family was like her extended family. Joan told us many times of the wonderful time she had when she visited you and Bob in the U.S.A.

We recognise that it is difficult to lose someone so dear when you live so far away and can’t go through the grieving that friends surrounding Joan have been able to go through- the funeral and the time spent with other dear friends and family reflecting on Joan’s life. We hope you will appreciate the letter, which I am writing to you and that it will help you in your own grieving process.

I am not sure to what extent you were informed about Joan’s last weeks, so my apologies if I repeat things which other people have already told you. As I write this letter I am sure I will shed some tears, going through the memories, realising how sad our loss has been, and I am sure you will feel the same.

I shall start by telling you about the lovely holiday we spent with Joan in June, only 2.5 weeks before Joan passed away. John, myself and Ilse (our daughter of nearly 2 years old) took Joan and Bob (John’s dad) away on a lovely holiday to the south coast of England, to a place called Beer. Beer is little village on the South coast where the family has been going for years, ever since the children were little, but neither Bob nor Joan had managed to return to Beer for a number of years now.

Our holiday was lovely. We stayed in a beautiful cottage on a working farm and Joan loved spending so much time in Ilse’s company. We managed to do and see a lot during the week, but all at a slow relaxing pace to suit Joan, Bob and Ilse.
I will send you some pictures along with this letter, which we took during the holiday. The picture on front cover of the ‘Order of Service’ was also taken during the holiday- 10 days before Joan was taken into hospital, 19 days before she died. We still can’t comprehend how fast Joan deteriorated.

Bob, John and I will be forever grateful for the memories we have of this holiday.

On Monday 30th June Joan was taken into hospital. John drove past her house when he saw the ambulance in front of the house. He pulled up and found his mum happily chatting to the ambulance staff. She told John that she had felt pains in her chest and her neighbours Terry and Jackie had phoned the ambulance service, as they were concerned. ‘It is probably indigestion’ she said dismissively. An ECG carried out on her by the ambulance staff confirmed it wasn’t a heart attack. She was taken into hospital, however, for further tests.
On Tuesday we were informed Joan had had a mild heart attack after all, and we were informed she would have an angiogram on Wednesday to look at the damage to Joan’s arteries.
On Wednesday we were informed that the damage was more severe than expected- part of Joan’s heart had experienced failure as a result of several heart attacks. We realised that Joan must have had heart attacks over the past year, but passed it off as indigestion. As a result of the angiogram doctors had decided to install a heart pump into Joan’s heart, which meant she would have to be operated on quickly- a double heart bypass, and also meant that she was not able to move until the operation. This was particularly frustrating for her, as you will probably know Joan was not the type of person who asks for help easily. She was a strong woman who was always there for others. She found it very difficult to be so dependent.

Throughout her stay in hospital Joan had her ‘up and down’ days. I kept a diary and when I look back through it, it reminds me quite how much of a ‘rollercoaster ride’ those days were. Joan could be very down and tired, but also very cheerful and positive. We could see she was scared by the jokes she made about death. She was preparing herself and perhaps us, for the worst.

We informed the whole family, including Joan’s sisters from Wales and some close family friends, about Joan’s situation, and all decided to make sure they could see her before the operation, which was planned for Monday. Although we weren’t aware of it at the time, this meant that we all managed to say our goodbyes before Joan passed away. All of Joan’s sisters, Bob, all of Joan’s children and most of her grand children, as well as some dear friends, such as the Vicar from her church, Dot Barlow and Janice Draisey, who you may have heard of in Joan’s letters, came to visit her. As you can imagine, Joan was complaining at one point about the amount of visitors, and was quite happy to turn people away when she felt like it. ‘What is all the fuss about’ she asked us.

The operation took place on Monday 7th July. The whole family was waiting in anticipation for the outcome. Once we heard she was out of theatre some of us were really relieved, believing the worst was over now, others, like John and his brother George, were more concerned, wanting to make sure Joan was happy and healthy again before they celebrated.

On 8th July, Joan’s son George’s birthday, around 3 in the afternoon, we heard that Joan had not responded to the operation as she should have.
John said goodbye to Joan not long before he received this news. As he left he looked back and Joan waved at him and George, with all the strength she had left in her.

At around 8.00pm things started to go down hill rapidly and we started to realise we would lose her before the next sunrise. John remembers watching the sunset, thinking of how this would be the last sunset that his mother would experience during her time with us.

At around 11.30pm all family members were asked to see Joan and say their goodbyes. John was at home with Ilse and me, but the other family members: Phil, George, Kath and Sylvia were there. If Joan has noticed anything from what was happening around her, having Sylvia and Phil in one room together must have filled her with joy. Phil requested if Joan could be kept alive until after George’s birthday had finished. Joan died at 0.03am on 9th July 2008.

The loss we as a family felt and still feel today cannot be put into words. Joan was such a strong woman, with a great personality and an enormous heart. As she died, a part of all of us died with her.

Two weeks after Joan’s death the funeral was held. It could not have been done earlier, as the Crematorium, as part of the civil service, was on strike the week before. This may surprise you as much as it did my Dutch family, who could not believe that crematoriums were not seen as a vital service- and therefore exempt from striking.

Waiting two weeks to bury your Mother wasn’t easy on Joan’s children. However, it helped in our preparation for the funeral, which was absolutely beautiful. Many people told us afterwards that they had never been to a funeral quite as beautiful and personal as this one. If she was indeed able to look down on us from Heaven, as we know she is, she would have been so proud of her children, and probably have been surprised with quite how loved she was.

Over 250 people attended the service, considering that this was a service for a lady who was no longer at a working age, I thought such good attendance was incredible, but then, considering the person she was, and how she has touched so many different peoples lives, I am not surprised at all.

I have enclosed the ‘Order of Service’ and Phil’s Eulogy.
Joan’s children came together to agree the Order of Service and then Kath and I designed the final version.
We know that you were thinking of our family during Joan’s funeral, so I will ‘talk’ you through some of the events of the day. Joan’s Funeral truly was a celebration of her life, as I am sure she would have wanted it to be.

The ‘Welcome’ by Reverend Myers was, as you can imagine, very personal. It was truly touching when he said: ‘every vicar has a Parishioner in their life who helps you keep trusting the Lord, even when you get cynical, because you do sometimes, even as a Vicar…. I have just lost mine.’

Joan’s oldest friend, Dot, read the Psalm (Psalm 121). Joan has known her since she was a young girl.

Joan’s cousin Cynthia read the ‘Reading’. Cynthia was always referred to as the ‘fifth sister’, as she was so close to the Mills’ sisters and grew up with them. I will send along a photo of the ‘five sisters’ taken at our wedding (august 2005), which was the last time all five were together (in life).
Phil’s Eulogy took everyone aback. I have sent a copy along, but it will not do Phil justice. The way in which Phil delivered the Eulogy was perfect. He is a born performer. At times, when Phil quoted his mum, you could hear Joan. Everyone who knew Joan recognised her in the Eulogy. What was especially beautiful about his Eulogy was that at one moment you would find the whole church in tears at something touching he referred to, such as the way in which all of Joan’s pupils remembered her, and the way in which she touched so many peoples lives, and the next minute the whole church laughed when remembering something ‘typically Joan’. - I think Phil’s comment ‘she was “ever so slightly” eccentric’ got the biggest laugh of recognition.

Phil’s perfect Eulogy was followed by an excellent performance by George and two of his sons Peter and Neil. The song that George and his sons performed was ‘You are the Rock’, a song written by Joan, John and George a few years ago. I am not sure whether you are aware, as many people were not, but Joan wrote a lot of songs with John and George, mainly Christian songs. John and George played it together as well when George came back from the hospital after Joan passed away. They spent much of that night playing guitar and singing Joan’s songs. I have enclosed the lyrics to ‘You are the Rock’, which I am sure you will appreciate.

The children didn’t just perform well on stage, when we sang the hymns I was overwhelmed by the perfect harmony in which John, George and Phil sang. In particular ‘Guide Me, o Thou Great Redeemer’ was sang with such passion and pride by John, George and Phil, and in such harmony (all sang at the Midlands Boys Choir when they were young) that was truly overwhelming.

The Children asked for people to give donations instead of flowers. The three charities Joan’s children chose were: The Church, Save the Children and the British Heart foundation. We aren’t sure of the total amount collected yet, as some people gave their contribution to the funeral directors, but so far they have raised ₤808.00 in memory of Joan.

With the funeral over, it seems like the end of the story, but of course it isn’t for Joan’s children nor Bob. Each of us (and I know that I am not one of Joan’s real children, but she has always felt like my ‘English Mum’, ever since I moved to England to be with her son) is still grieving in our own ways. It will be a while before life resumes as normal for the Goalby family and I know that no matter what happens in the future, Joan will always have a special place in the hearts of her own children, as well as in the hearts of many other people whose lives she has touched along the way.

I hope this letter will help you in your grieving process, and will make you feel like you have been able to be part of Joan’s life right until the very end, even if you couldn’t be here.

Before I finish I would like to ask if you would like us to send you the copies of your letters to Joan. Joan’s children would like to keep the originals, but now your pen-friendship has drawn to an end, we thought it would be nice for you to have the full story; The two-way conversation between two true friends: Joan from England and Alma from America. We cannot promise we have a copy of every letter you have written, but we most certainly have a good collection.

This is my account of Joan’s last days and of her funeral. I am sure other members of the family would also like to share their personal memories with you.

Even though Joan is no longer with us, we have appreciated the friendship that you and your family have given her. If you wish, we would like to continue the Cross Atlantic relationship that you and Joan have built up. We would be very honoured if you wish to continue your correspondence with me, or with another member of the family.

With warmest wishes,

Imke"