what happend

well
there was this little nervous breakdown
just a little one
and you know what
i know it will happen again
because i can not find peace
i am stuck between
the world and mine
how nice it is to be
loved
but it also makes me so insecure
i have to watch all my steps
not to give the wrong ex-sample
like my dear friend said
don't do as i do, just do as i tell you to!!
people see me
and think well okay
monsters still alive
and think well he is managing
but i am not
i have lost controle for soooo long
and sometimes i just lose peace
i can not deal with the lack of controle
and i crave for a nice warm joint
so i can preform my magic in full
so i can fully controle my world
with no one to interfere
like i did when i was younger
ofcourse that is not the answere
it is a mere substitute for love
something i have lacked
in giving and recieving
and when i feel it comming
within.
nervousbreakdowns just kick in
just like now
i am still in search of my perfect drug
which is but a substitute for love
because i can not love
because i am not free to love
because my love hurts
because it is not save
because my love is like a drug
and no one should be addicted
to me
and when i feel an addiction comming
or when i desire some addict
i take controle,
and the monster kicks in the nervous breakdown sequence
so that there is
solitude
i can not
will not
for i am
but a freak
i should be in my tree
in the park
where every one walks by
without even seeing
the monster looking down
i should be ruthless
and slay those i desire
i should be mercyless
and take whats mine
but i can not
so i hide in my cave
save from harm
so to save you from harm
but this cave is cracked
broken
and people look in once in a while
and i
feel
insecure

my heads spinning
and i hear within my head
songs
like
i'm not inlove
so don't forget it
it's just a simple fase i'm going through
i'm not in love
i'm not in love

while the other side is playinng
you are the perfect drug
you are the perfect drug

and somewhere in the distance of my head
i hear
juxtaposed
to lovers souls set in motion

and i am falling
in to my nervous breakdown

wishing i was strong
but i am not
i am weak
weak as i am

and some evil thought
rises from the DEEP
"i wanna fuck you like an animal"
and i get all fucked up

things go terribly bad now
i am twisted and wretched
i am but a cancer in your system
so leave me
"as the captain cried for help"

i am but a negative creep
and sober
i am not going to like this
so i guess i will hurt myself to day
to see if i still feel
because i feel tooo much right now

but i wont hurt my self
no i wont
that would be giving in
and i am not

oh how i need some MARIJUANA
she's always been my favourite
and where is mary
my magdalena
because i need her soo fucking much right now
and she is no where to be found
i know she switches so often
trying to make me love again
but i can not
love
for i am stuck with her
i want to kill myself
just to be with her
no dollar at a time
no all and everything just to be
with my love
and how fucked up i am

wish
i could lay down
in someones arms
and sleep
go to sleep
and wake
knowing
i am with the one i love
but that is a dream
i never has