worries

sometimes i just wanna call
friends who i am worried about
but i fear
i can not call
i am locked down
and feel
powerless

i am afraid
my fears and worries are ridiculed
that i am wasting energy in their eyes
and that they will not tell me things
that are important to me
or things that i do want to know
no matter the consequence

i crawl on the floor towards my bed
my muscles paralized or high strung
my mind in a void of fear
or a chaos of war
and all i want is to call and know
all i want is to die and be there

my body gets cold
and my mind goes into extremes
but my body can't move
my fingers can not dail the numbers
that cry out loud in my head
i am powerless
feeling a filthy desire for death

like now
i need to call
but i can't
afraid
full of fear
and i know
if only
we'd meet eye to eye
i could be all
and then my desire for death
would die

monster, man, 47 jaar

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