hehehe

Honesty is the best policy. Unless you want people to like you.

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

Women are like fine wines - I don't have any in my cellar.

Can anyone recommend a good website to google things on?

Apparently this is the wettest year in the history of Britain. I blame 50 Shades of Grey.

The Mayans have been suspiciously quiet since the whole 'getting the date of the end of the world wrong' incident.

I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.

When I was buying condoms, the check out girl asked me "Would you like a bag, sir?" I replied: “No thanks, she's not that ugly.”

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter— he can't come to you anyway.

What has four legs and is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A pool table.

How do you make a strawberry shake?
Put it into the freezer until it shivers.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?
Tickle it pink, hold its nose until it turns blue, and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?
Who's ever heard of a yellow elephant?

What's flat and feathery and half an inch tall?
A duck who tried to teach an elephant how to dance.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks.

How do you keep an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.

So this baby seal walked into a club....

I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

If I worked in a restaurant... on Valentines Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

I'm convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.

70% of women ask questions in which they already know the answer to. This is why it's best to simply tell her the truth.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become God.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of Sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female & you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

Saying "My whole life has been building up to this moment" is a cool and dramatic way of saying "I understand the basic concept of time."

Moments before I die, I'm going to have huge metal claws attached to my fingers and toes, purely to confuse future archaeologists.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through the Capri Sun.

if sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome, then I know why everyone calls you handsome.

I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my thumb through. One formal complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.