Van allesjes :)

Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.

No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, if a toddler hands you a ringing toy phone....you answer it.

Did you guys hear about the frog who parked illegally? He got toad.

Asian pregnancy test: put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant.

I bet Satan gets a lot of letters from dyslexic kids at Christmas.

Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side..

Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.

Calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is calling me a doctor because I own band-aids.

Stages of life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

Son: "Dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Dad: "Ask your sister." Son: "But I don't have a..."

Friend: "What's a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane." Friend: What's it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat."

Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar made so much money, he spent $2,500 every month just on rubber bands to bundle up his stacks of cash.

I've already broken my 2013 New Year's resolution as it was to stop living in the past.

Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply.

What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.

Voldemort: "So you just lie?" Pinocchio: "Yup!"

You look more confused than a blind lesbian at a fish market.

‘Eleven plus Two’ and ‘Twelve plus One’ both equal 13 and both have 13 letters. In fact they both have the same '13' letters!

I've just burnt my toast, so the Mayans were almost right.

What is 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

A recent study shows that 90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

Next time you're at a McDonald's Playplace and someone asks you: "aww which one is yours?" Say: "I haven't picked one out yet..."

Christmas. A woman lies about a one night stand, and things spiral completely out of control.

I just learned today that bees have testicles... Guess who doesn't eat Honey Nut Cheerios anymore?

3 reasons to stand up: 1) To get a beer. 2) To dance. 3) You are the real slim shady.

De tijd van het jaar dat veel vrouwen tijdelijk blind worden als ze hun kleerkast opentrekken "'k heb niets om aan te doen"

Het voordeel van ouder te worden is dat je op een bepaald moment met de feestdagen niet langer een Zatte Nonkel hebt, maar ’m zelf bent.

I'm having a problem in Call Of Duty,I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?

Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Oh yeah? What if I threw a dictionary at you?

Poking holes in your parents condoms so theres someone else to do the dishes.

Christmas is also a time for us to remember the suffering of Jesus. All those people buying him joint Christmas and Birthday presents.

I've got an idea for a Christmas game. Every time your Dad says something blinkered, you have to either wholeheartedly agree or have a shot.

Remember, some people don't get to spend Christmas Day surrounded by family. Lucky sods.

For Christmas, I bought my nephew an abacus powered by telekinesis. It's the thought that counts.

Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, its been fertilized with bullshit.

I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.