I Believed you, Stupid as I was

Dear Mama,

I believed in you, stupid as I was.I looked up at you, While you were putting me down. I always thought you would change, But that dream is slowly faiting away. You didn't like my style, Because it was my fathers. You hated my reactions, But you knew I couldn't do it different.
My screaming, Was for attantion
My smashing, Was for taking care
My faults, Were to make me stronger
My tears, Make you feel aware
You wanted that I did everything, That I would handle it al, But at the same time you were afraid that it would make me bigger, stronger, harder and more smart than you.
You wanted to give me... us a feeling that our father did everything the wrong way, everything was his fault. You always told us this.
I believed you, Stupid as I was
You wanted us to believe that you were the boss, that you were the biggest. You wanted to make sure, that we wouldn't get our own opinion, that we would stay small, influable. So you could tell us everything, That we weren't important for this world.
I believed you, Stupid as I was
You always took us to expensive appartments, luxerus villa's, exclusief hotels. We got bikes, pc's, tv's, books, animals, candy, toys, video's, everything matrealistic. We were Spoiled. But we could only get it, when we were nice, when we told you, you were right.
"I don't have a problem, You don't have a problem, You make the problem. I don't have a boyfriend, it's just a collega, just a friend. You don't do anything in this house, you only pick up Steffi from Scouting, and even then you are to late! You are Lazy!" You always sayed
"You've got to go to an psychologist, Because you overreact and get crazy everytime we tell you something. And why don't you like ice-skating? We only do it 3 times a week. Be happy you can go with us! You're Ungratefull! If you go on like this I'll sent u to a docter 'cause there's something wrong in your head. I'll send you to a boarding school!" You told me so many times.
And I Believed you, Stupid as I was.
I saw all the other girls grow up, I saw their lifes. But not 1 time I thouhgt, That my life wsa different. Because it looked normal to me. And everytime you weren't home, I missed you, I missed something, Somebody who told me everything was alright, That I was ok, That my biggest wish would came true, But nobody ever told me.
You told me I was Spoiled, Lazy, Ungratefull... Not normal
And I Believed you, Stupid as I Was

Saskia