if i was more fun it would have been so much bette

it was a nice day, great weather and happy with friends,
but i was not my happy self, no i was not.
maybe it is the confusion of my life, all these things that draw my attention
all these things i want to do and all these things i want to say
all these things i hide away,
and it shows, they know me when i am hiding, even in plain sight,
they see me hiding away.

if only i could say the things i need to and the things i know and feel

and no it is not just me, not just my shit i am talking about,
the weight is far more than that,
if only i could tell.

i was not my happy self, well you know how hard it is to show that part.
you know you would wish nothing more than to be and to share that
and yet you know i can not do any thing but hide it.

there is so much more than i can explain in these lines
so much more than can be discribed by words,
but i can not even show you, show my appriciation for you my friends,
i feel as if i lack so much.

my cold exterior is but this vehicle that walks amoung you,
and today it was just that, cold, because i kept it all in
and when i feared that i would fail,
the shades came up, and hid my sorry eyes.

besides the weird dreams, there are horrible dreams
dreams i dare not even speak about.
dreams i have fought against for all my life.
where most people try not to waste their lifes
i do, and all because of things you can not see
i wasted my life away, for others, for myself
for the fear that i might become what i dream about.

today was no exception, hiding myself.

i hide in plain sight, in the hopes some one would see
maybe just that glimps of me,

all i do is hide,
you my friends should have seen me doing this for so long
hiding, all i have ever done

i don't want to, but what can i do
waste not want not they say,
and i waste my life because i never really wanted it.
and the part of me that does hides away
afraid to be, afraid

20 apr 2008 - meld ongepast verhaal
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sui, man, 47 jaar
   
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