Im too nice <3

After 21 years of living my life, I have come to the conclusion: IM TOO FRIGGEN' NICE.
Always I'm giving and giving and giving some more, whereas I barely get 20% of all the effort back.
I dunno about you, but to me that's rather meager for all my niceness.. And lately it's been getting at me.

I haven't had a holiday nor a gift in over 3 years. I rushed into marriage too soon for the wrong reasons
(dating foreign people that then have their visa's expire - I do not recommend you try this).
Practically everything I had to give up due to financial pressure: college, friends, heck I even had to move
abroad for almost a year to ensure he wasn't getting deported. But: I'm nice, I do that. That's me.
Three years long, my parents took care of everything - financially, not emotionally. Emotionally, I am alone and deserted. They all claim I wished this upon myself but if I had known what I know now, I would have never ever done all this. It destroyed more than it gave back.

Right now, my parents are in a pinch (financially), I'm finally going back to college (after 3 years) and
the husband has a steady job now (yay) but still, after three years.. Both my family and friends really
took me for granted, pressured me into doing things I didn't want and completely stressed me out.

Right now I'm upset because, for example, I find myself making breakfast in bed for my husband, while he sighs and complains when I ask him to get me a drink; nor does he ask me out if he's going for a smoke or anything (it's like we're living past eachother completely). This all makes me very lonesome.

And because I've always been rather smart, always had friends that did higher levels of education and because
most girls I just find uninteresting company, I now have mostly guy friends. Which is nice, but for emotional support
they do react a lot different than girls. And right now, I wish I had a girl friend... It pains me to admit that I am lonely
since I'm a total socialite.

I'm sick and tired of literally saving for weeks to buy my best guy friends a huge gift for their birthday, and then
not even receiving a freaking card back. Not that I want stuff, it's just the idea, the gesture I'm dying for:
to see that someone appreciates me. Fucking appreciate me, dammit XD I'm really a nice person.

And on top of it all: I'm not ugly. I'm not saying I'm Miss Holland or anything but I'm not ugly. Used to model as a teen.
Why am I settling for this? I don't know.. Honestly I don't know..

I just hope that when I'm done with college I will perhaps have a non-shallowminded girl friend, and at least the
financial security of being able to take care of myself so I don't have to sit here and be miserable.
I'm very busy building my own happiness, making my own luck turn around, but it would just be nice if I had a
friend that understands. /frustration.

And on top of that, I carry a big secret with me about which I can't talk to anyone. I'm dying to just share
with somebody I trust but frankly, that list of trustworthy people is non-existant.

Thanks for your effort if you managed to read everything until this point. That's more attention than I've had in weeks.
Even though you're a stranger: know that I appreciate you.

xoxo Saria