Perception inequality

I wish I could ask a question to whomever has said or thinks that I'm pleasant, fun to be around, a keeper, etc. etc.:

Every one of you also realises that I have shitty aspects of my personality, can be hurtful, can be stubborn, and what have you?

Based on the image I have put out, nobody would think a partner I am with would ultimately be to blame, assume they have done something wrong, or something, right?

And also: should I be doing things to fight this?

Background:

I have this tender, sweet, demeanor that 1) makes some people consider me weak, easy prey or simply unintimidating (in different situations, different things), and

2) makes some people want to protect me and push aside my part in "mistakes"/conflicts. Except when I get blamed for "not being agressive enough" lol

I deal with numero 1 by either using the element of surprise with people who underestimate me, or by having learnt how to BE, in fact, assertive and agressive when need be and applying what I have learnt. I think I generally have my strategy down for this one.

No. 2 is more difficult. I often feel like I either have to never share when I am struggling, or I have to pre-emptively prove to other people what a total clutz or bitch I can be. Taking all the blame upon myself that I can positively muster. So someone does not get unfairly blamed for things.

Sometimes this has led to me basically victim blaming myself, in life.

And I'm so done with feeling responsible for people blaming the stronger person, or the man for things.

Like.

My grandparents always came down hard on my mother.

And I KNOW they did because she always put on a strong face, and has anger as an emotional outlet,

while I have tears and always had a more defensive body language.

I also have a less fierce nose, less fierce eyes in general.

And now,

my boyfriend got told once by an acquientence "You better be good with Caty"

and by his parents, when he shared something about how I should have better boundaries against my family:

"Oh you should be sweeter to Caty, take care of her"

And he, rightfully, replied to them:

"Look, you don't know what has happened between us. She should tell me if I'm acting shitty, and I tell her,

and if someone finds something shitty, they will explain why. And the other person will see what they can do about this,

and we have to be sweet to each other, and take care of each other."

Why do people always put so much pressure on the seemingly "stronger looking one""?!

It makes people do stupid things like,

under a reddit post, a girl that is still gaining experience in relationships and boundary settings, she felt bad that a guy fingered her without asking even though she was fine with him touching her legs and rubbing her clit. And he felt sorry and apologised. But she is new to intimacy and sex so she asked if she is right to forgive him, if this can be seen as a red flag?

The top comment was just so great and reasonable; "It's a good thing to discuss limits before or when you notice you start making out" (True story, I always did this with people and it's really really useful, despite how dorky it sometimes felt and feels.)

And one of the replies to that comment was like "oh I'm so glad this is the comment, I was afraid the guy would get ripped apart, I felt bad for the guy that this happened"

And I agree, it's a shitty feeling to cross someone's boundary when you did not mean to,

but it's always (when everyone is well-willing) the responsibility of both people to take care of each other and each other's limits,

and yeah shit happens sometimes, even with the best intentions, you sometimes make mistakes. And even then you have to apologise and learn to do better.

So to circle back.

People shouldn't assume I should be protected, because I'm so soft and a woman,

And people shouldn't always stand up for the guy, because he is always assumed to be the bad one if he is all strong looking and stuff.

We all need to take care for each other, and everyone needs to take responsibility for their own actions,

And someone who looks strong can have reasons for being harsher to someone who appears like she couldn't hurt a fly lol

Grrrrr

And it's their problem. Not my problem. It's the problem of the short-sighted people who immediately jump to conclusions.

And I will stand up for my mother, and I will stand up for my boyfriend, and any man, any woman, any person that gets persecuted unjustifiably.

BUT I ALSO WILLL NOT paint a terrible picture of myself pre-emptively.

I am awesome.

I do deserve sweet treatment.

I must not put myself in the corner, and suffer to pay for all the privilege I get for looking sweet.