sadness

i try to figure out what and how.
i have had sad eyes for so long that most did not even know better.
then i met some one and my eyes were brightening again, as if hope returned to the soul.
never the less that turned out not to be much more than a crush and a new fall,
though my eyes stayed relatively bright,
i wonder, this must have some implications, and i mean it on the very broad scale you have trouble to imagine.
it is mere a fantasy, which by the way according to einstein is the most important thing...

my sad eyes came when i broke after i met some one.
then only after some years of hard work on myself and relations with others, being so deranged that i had to resocialize.
i found some one who had about the same impact, and again it did not go like it could.

but besides the personal issues there are the other issues, the disturbing things, people tend to call my psychosis,
which is far from psychosis, it is darn accurate, vague but accurate,
but no one knows only those who have known my words and have been close.
guess we know why they don't come close these days ...
i tried to tell you things, and most people forget my words, they are of a deranged fool
yeah right, like i am blind to the possible horrors you deny ?

my friend(s) know what the sadness means, and some even tried to prevent it, making it invein.
well i would have liked that, but it did not work out like that.
nor does it quite work out like the initial sadness, but it does come very close, just a little less bloodshed.

you should know this,
i'm speaking my mind, nothing more
do with it what you will
i'm in over time
we never should have met
we should not even have known each other,

some of you have seen a little burst of the real me
know that this is a mere burst
if i could do more, would i do more ?
shivering

all the time i spend here
extra
i don't have to
i have played my part, and all i do, all i can, will be, extra.
if i can arrange extractions for you, i would, but know, my own extraction is not like that
mine is in death, for i am long over due.

read it like you will
words are but bars of the prison you live in.