the reason </3

I need to find a reason. I NEED to find a reason for me and her. WHY did she do it? WHAT do I have to live for? My thoughts have trapped me and are blessing me with my worst nightmares. The darkness has been surrounding me so long I only hear her words to me, I can't take this. I see her picture everywhere and all that I think of when I see her is how I could of stopped this. I feel like I could of made a difference...why didn't I see the signs? I'm trained to see them, 19 friends threatening to commit suicide you learn the signs, so then why didn't I per sieve them? Have I become that unconscious and numb? Am I even living anymore? I tried to drink my pain away and it doesn't work. How do I ever get these thoughts to go away without having to be fucking doped out of my mind?! The voices have teeth sharp as diamonds that cut me into shreds. How will I ever live again? How can she ever forgive me for first denying her words of wisdom then for being to numb to save her from herself? Can I ever forgive myself for that matter? The night surrounds me constantly their is no break in the darkness to have any sun or light. I NEED A REASON. For her and for me. I don't want to take the easy way out but what kind of life is it if you can never forgive yourself and never see the light? I used to be a man of god and religion, but if he truly does exist then why does he make us suffer so? Why? It doesn't teach us a lesson it only makes us numb to our feelings and senses. why does he let "his children" commit suicide and harm their bodies and eternal souls? I NEED ANSWERS, I NEED REASONS WHY.

~eleye oren