troubles

it is so hard to be creative

i don't know what it is but i just can't these days,
i want to but i can't find the peace, i tend to talk myself down.

i wanna be productive, but all i can do is write stupid rants.
and maybe that is all i am, a stupid rant.

i used to make music, i used to draw, write with pen and paper,
make missions for games and play with my camera.

but somehow i just don't feel it in me
i just can't find the peace of mind.
can't put myself to produce and imagine.

and i know what the problem is,
i let the world get to me,
i don't care for myself any more
not that i did that very much, but i had something
something that was willing to push me in the light.
now i just wanna get away, get out of it all.
the great void of escapism

i wanted fame, yes i did,
back when i was young i would not shy of it.
but now, now i really don't care no more
being a bum would do just fine.
i have no hopes nor dreams for myself any more
i am past the point of wanting
all i want is to be, well done with it.

i feel as though people all around try to motivate me
and i just wish i could answer to you all in a positive way
but i just can't find it in me
there might be a spark left somewhere
but i just can't get to it.

i am just tired of all of it,
tired of myself
how i wish i could give you all something good
something that i would feel proud of in giving to you.
but i ain't proud of myself any more
and i feel as if i don't know how to
like i don't know anything any more

i wanna do something make something that would be
but all i do is rant and think
and i wanna give, but all i give is frustration and anger
and i can not put it to paper, nor to music
afraid it will be felt
afraid it will suck the life out of you
like it does to me.

i need a "pick me up"
and be thrown away so i can get my head straight.
and i dare not to ask,
refuse to take it
cause i feel i don't deserve
i don't belong because i feel as if i failed.

and yet another depressing story.
god i love you, and you'll never know.