:)

I went for a run, but I forgot something so I came back. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

"I wish people posted more pictures of cupcakes online" - Nobody ever.

If a midget smokes weed, does he get high or medium?

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.

Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day. Teach a dog to… actually, no.

You're fat "It runs in my family" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?...Nothing they just waved...Did you SEA what I did there?...I'm SHORE you did, BEACH

I love going to a strangers wedding and yelling "Don't marry him, I still love you!"

Jammer dat reizigers niet kunnen staken want kwaad rondhangen in een station omdat onze treinen niet rijden doen we nu al iedere dag.

At a restaurant: "Would you like a table?" "No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."

Big girls don't cry. (They eat)

My English teacher in Highschool used to staple Burger King applications on failed tests.

The Bible is like an instruction manual for life. Praying is simply clicking the 'Help' button

I once had a candle in the wind, it rolled away.

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I'm still missing my ex, but my aim is getting better.

I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

I changed my car horn sound to gun shots, people move out of the way much faster now.

Some people need a high five... in the face ... with a chair.

Do you ever just want to grab someone by the shoulders, look them deep in the eyes and whisper: "No one gives a fuck."?

If Pinocchio said "My nose will grow right now", what would happen?

Every time someone says: "EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED", I'ld like to punch them in the face and say: "not as easy as it sounds, is it?!"

Sometimes for fun, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch the clerk's reaction.

"Hey, can I borrow a pencil?" "Yeah, but it doesn't have an eraser." "Life doesn't have an eraser." "That was deep..."

People laughed when Columbus said the world was round. I guess you had to be there.

I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.

Cleanliness is next to godliness, that's the last time I buy a dictionary from the pound shop.

Failed my biology test today, when they asked "what is commonly found in cells" apparently "black ppl" wasn't the corrrect answer.

My girlfriend always complains that I don't take her anywhere expensive, so I took her to the gas station.

There are more black men in prison today than were enslaved in 1850, so much for freedom.

The ultimate rejection would be to have your hand fall asleep while your masturbating.

Due to the continued Global Financial Crisis, Ke$ha will now be known as Keha.

Wife: "Why do you always twist your wedding ring?" Me: "I'm trying to figure out the combination."