hahaha!

1. Change your Birthday on Facebook. 2. Delete anyone who wishes you Happy Birthday on the new date. 3. Weep at low tally of 'real friends'.

Tip voor Int. Wielerunie: wie op doping is betrapt mag seizoen uitrijden, maar wel zonder zadel. Zal rap gedaan zijn.

My wife thinks the way to my heart is through my stomach. I think shes aiming too high.

Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

Hitting the gym to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that cause the stress to begin with.

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly and very carefully burn the house down.

"Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's..." / "Sorry to interrupt, but are you actually a qualified vet?"

I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS! 1) Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2) Die.

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.

What if Deja Vu really just meant you lost a life, and you're starting off at your last checkpoint.

Ja hoor. Er komt een Paranormal Activity 5. Nog meer beelden van mensen die bang zijn van kastdeuren.

When butterflies get nervous, do they feel humans in their stomach?

Hey auto correct, stop tampering with my swear words, you mother forklift.

Google has to be a woman... It starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.

No matter how amazing you are at something, there will always be a 9 year old Asian kid who is better.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.

Hummingbirds can become Songbirds, if you teach them the lyrics.

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

Oh he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

Bee seeks safe sex - no stings attached.

A tip for the Maths Geeks: type BOOBIES on MS Word, and turn your laptop upside down to reveal the number 5318008.

It's all fun and games until you remember that Casper the friendly ghost is a dead child.

Familie Pot mag dochter niet Bloem noemen. Wat is daar nu mis mee reageren vader Choco en moeder Verf.

Brussel gaat tienduizenden parkeerplaatsen laten verwijderen. Komt goed uit. Naar het schijnt worden er ook minder auto's gemaakt.

Honesty is the best policy. Unless you want people to like you.

I was just watching 'What Makes Us Clever?' on BBC4, I've turned it off now though, I didn't really understand it.

I think my eyesight's fine, but this judge disagrees. He says I need super vision.

You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.