how long.......?????

hi.... its been a really long time since i wrote anything. umm... recently i have been thinking a lot... about lots of things, almost regarding everything about my life. no matter what i say to others all these time i have been ignorant of myself. i am not a good person, not that there is actually one in this world. i may have suffered a lot... may have been a victim to lots of things but the fact that there are people victimized by me are there cannot be avoided. love, friendship, family.... have i been decieving everyone all this time?

now a days when people treat me nicely... try to comfort me or worry about me i... i kinda feel sick. when i feel hurt and want to cry i find myself asking....do i even have the right?? for all the pain i am bearing... the suffering.. who can i blame? others or me.. i don't know! it seems other than the fact that i don't deserve being treated nicely i am not sure about anything else.

when i think of talking to someone there is lots to say but when the moment comes i find myself confused and speechless. how ironic... am i still worried about being hated and left alone? would that really make a difference? am i already not feeling lonely.... i mean despite having everything and everyone i still feel empty... incomplete and lonely... except darkness i don't see anything around me. except pain everything else have started to seem like foreign things...

how long do i have to keep up this facade?? its funny that no one notice my pretense... have i become that convincing? does my smile truly seem to be from happiness? i am not writing this to get anyone's attention... its only because i know... the only thing i will get in return is ignorance since this is almost talking to myself. oh lord.... i wish for an end to this.... not because its too much but wouldn't it be better for everyone?