i do deserve this

this
i deserve
what do i deserve ?

good question

i have no clue of the reasons why
nor the motivation of what

my hands are swolen
and hurt , itch, and break

i have this craving
to die, every day

i am out of work
in a world that is shamefully sad
i am without money
though i try
i can not

it seems i am punished
or i have punished myself
and for whatever reason
i have to continue this sharade of life
that is undoubtedly useless
and full of pain

i punish myself
just like you
i hate myself
just like you
and i dispize myself
even more than you do

i have to live
a double life
i have to pretend
and i have to hide
the things you can not know
because you are so blind

i have to move
in the dark
to keep the things you see
in the light
i have to be so much more
and no one knows
what it is for
not even i
i have no clue
what the fuck it is for
all this pain and hardship i endure and do
just to keep you out of it all
i work myself to selfhatred
just for you

and guess what
you will never know
how much
i love
you

monster, man, 47 jaar

• Asih maandag 29 november 2004 00:18
  i know

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