randomness

The summer of 68 was a truly magical time, we were young, the sunny days seemed to last forever, Bryan hadn't got that fucking guitar yet...

The wedding ring goes on the left ring finger, because it's the only finger with a vein that connects to a heart.

My daughter cried for hours when I buried our cat in the garden. Imagine how upset she'd have been if it had died too.

98% of people do not know that Osama Bin Laden was a 'CIA' agent in the 1980s.

According to some old myths, birth marks describes where you're killed in your last life.

Name your iPod 'Titanic', plug it into the computer, "Titanic is syncing", press cancel, feel like a hero.

Apparently my new password has to contain at least six characters and one capital, so I've gone for 'GoofyNemoMickeyDonaldBambiBlutoRome'.

What do you call a black person on the moon? An astronaut you racist bastard.

The worst part about make-up sex is explaining to your girlfriend why her eyeshadow keeps vanishing.

Avoid hangovers. Stay drunk.

People who say smoking takes away your sense of taste are right. My uncle smoked for years, and now he wears sandals and votes Conservative.

I think Tim Burton should just make a film called "Johnny Depp", starring Johnny Depp, who plays the lead character, Johnny Depp.

80% of people imagine stuff they would like to happen, just before they sleep.

People don't believe that I have a favourite Spandau Ballet song, but it's True.

I'm wearing eau de tourette. It fucking stinks.

You know you're getting old when your friends are having babies. On purpose.

"And the rest is history." - Me, after having a rest.

If women really want to be treated as equals, they need to stop being so much smarter than men.

When someone texts you "hahahahaha!!" instead of "haha" or "lol", you know you've done well.

Just reported a zookeeper for completely ignoring the ‘Do Not Feed The Animals’-sign.

Damn, now all the kids at this party are crying at my magic tricks. Turns out you take a rabbit out of a hat, not the other way around.

If you hold a nutshell to your ear, you'll hear a concise summary of a subject.

Holy shit! Those dogs are playing pool, quick bring me a canvas and some paints!

If I could have a dinner party with any 3 people, living or dead, I'ld choose Piers Morgan, Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch. All dead.

Blij dat het journaal bij I Love Techno was. Veel bijgeleerd door de micro in het gezicht te duwen van een groepje johns die 'SFEER' roepen.

You can work out how gullible you are by measuring the distance between your elbow and a Unicorn.

I wonder if teachers play the ‘who’s a virgin’-game in their heads in class.

The people who smile & laugh the most are also the ones who experience the most pain.

Maybe these walls CAN talk, but they're just too appalled to say anything.

Curiosity killed the cat. I wanted to know if they really do have nine lives. They don't.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

I was gonna make a joke about sodium and hydrogen, but NaH…

The first rule of procrastination club is..... *pops out for a sandwich*

Why go to school when you can light yourself on fire and feel the same way?

I've just come up with a completely new word: ‘plagiarism’.

She wants a guy who is 'funny & spontaneous', yet I tap on her window uninvited at night dressed as a clown, and it's all screams & sirens…

A problem shared is a problem halved. Or doubled if the problem is a contagious disease.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times just to be sure.

Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder!