Lost for words..

Whhuuuuu can't even get it right in my head at the moment, let alone do it in Dutch.. English helps me when the Dutch language falls short in words.

Because of me R has corona. Scenario is: My mentally not all together younger brother probably took it home from work and infected our mom. This was not because he wasn't being carefull, the boy is terrified about corona.. So probably a co-worker was careless and infected him somehow. I mean he's not the cleanest person you'll meet, but he wears his mask, that he maybe should consider to wash every night. We don't say out loud he most likely is the one who brought it home, he has PDD-NOS, ADHD and depression and even tho his body is gonna turn 27 in june, his mind is not om the same page, by far. He might feel so guilty he could try to hurt himself.

I told R all of this and said that if he wanted to be angry, he should be angry at me, not my brother. I can handle that (not really tho, but im gonna have to, like always). He claims not to be angry at me or my brother. But he's also not acting like himself. In his answers lie some kind of agressiveness and he doesn't react the way he normally does when I send him stuff. He gets like that when he must admit he doesn't have control over the things that happen in his life. I kinda want to take some steps back to shield myself from him. Because i'm way too vulnerable right now and he is the one who can hurt me the most. He'd be able to push me off the ledge, not on purpose, but definitely able.

I had my first EMDR session yesterday and right after that I had to calm my husband down who was trying to throw holes into our home with his phone and was yelling at... well actually I don't know who he was yelling at.. maybe the voices inside his head. He was raging about GGZ and one of the people who are assigned to him and also about his meds. We have 2 small children who were at home because they have corona too. My mom is in the hospital since yesterday.. and i'm still caught in a Burnout.

I just don't know what to DO.. I don't know what to SAY.. Should I not say anything? I'm about to have a major panic attack. I love R so much, I feel aweful he is sick because of me.. I told him i'm sorry more than a 1000 times by now. I just didn't know.. my mom messaged me she had a positive coronatest thursday morning.. AFTER I had spend the night at his place watching attack on titan season 3 second half (thats about 10 episodes I think). I'm really careful all the time because I have chronic bronchitis, which leaves me to be more vulnerable for the bad symptoms.

I had to blow off my appointment with the surgeon for my boobies extra control because of the exploding, bloody right boob. I had to wave my birthday goodbye and also my party. I ordered at home tests so we could all do a test before entering my home and have a safe party, so I tought of everything.. just not of me getting sick.. My mom gave it to me at mothersday.. the irony. So I know it sucks. Timing sucks. Being sick sucks. Corona sucks. It all sucks. I get it! But I couldn't have known..

Fuck me.. Love, M.