Life changes

Ik weet niet eens waar ik moet beginnen! Terugkijkend op de afgelopen tijd besef ik dat er ontzettend veel veranderd is. Fases zijn gepasseerd, nieuwe dromen worden gedroomd, nieuwe gevoelens gevoeld en nieuwe dagelijkse bezigheden gecreëerd.

Vijf jaar therapie heb ik achter de rug, 4 maart gaan R en ik trouwen, in september ga ik studeren (Midden-Oostenstudies variant 'Arabisch', en een familiebedrijfje ziet voor het eerst het daglicht.

R is afgestudeerd en is Master of Science.. wat een prestatie. En omdat hij nu klaar is, zie ik ruimte voor mij om het nog maar eens te proberen. Ik hou zo van dingen leren, ik wil zo graag een studie afronden.

En ik heb de neiging om helemaal te gaan onderbouwen waarom deze studie wél gaat slagen en wél geschikt voor me is, maar het belangrijkste is dat ik er weer vertrouwen in heb na mijn mislukte poging Taalwetenschap. Ik ben me alvast aan het voorbereiden met een LOI cursus Arabisch/Marokkaans. De Midden-Oostenstudie is minder technisch dan Taalwetenschap, en heeft taal, cultuur, reizen, politiek en antropologie in zich. Een echte alpha studie. En ondanks dat ik vele interesses heb, doe ik het het beste bij alpha.

Vroeger was ik gek op Egypte. Nu heeft Marokko me enorm geïnspireerd om toch de cultuur richting op te gaan. En schrijven vind ik nog steeds een heerlijke manier om mijn gevoelens en belevenissen op de best mogelijke manier 'op te slaan'.


SAHARA

I had never seen the world like this. It was the same earth I had been on all my life, yet it looked so different that I felt like an ignorant outsider. The clear sky allowed moonlight to shine upon the hilly sand scape, and I could see just enough to distinguish small bundles of dry vegetation. Distant voices and a few lights on the horizon reminded me of human presence, but here, nature was stronger than civilization. If I had not been so overwhelmed, the slow strolling of the camel could have rocked me asleep, and if not that, the rhythmic dull sound of hooves landing in the sand would have. But I could not afford to sleep because this was a dream to experience awake. So I kept my eyes wide open and took in as much as I could.

The camel caravan was lead by a nomad who had put the leash of the first camel, my camel, in the traditional Touareg scarf on his head. The route we were taking was so familiar to him that he could find it in near darkness. I talked to him. Proud of the few words that I had learned in his language. It made me feel less of an outsider and he seemed happy to teach me some more. I just hoped I was able to remember. "Shouf!" ("look!" ), I said to him after a short silence as we walked passed another herd of camels. He laughed and waved at them. "Hello camels!!" I loved it. I loved the ride and the spaciousness around me (although I could not see most of what was there), I loved the kind people and the differentness (whereas I usually don't want things to change).

But I changed that night, buried deep under thick wool blankets to keep the desert cold out. The djembeh performance and dances around the fire replaying in my head. Wondering what the morning would be like, wondering how far I would be able to see in bright daylight, how there would be sand everywhere but no beach. Feeling connected to a place I had just seen for the first time. Even that night there were no dreams but the one I was living. The cold kept me half awake until dawn. And I was not disappointed when the sun rose from behind the sand hills and turned everything orange. I ran from our sheltered camp to the top of a nearby hill to catch a glimpse of what laid behind. Although it looked just like I had expected, I was still surprised. Sand, more hills, more camps, more sand and the mountains. It was all there. And, as luck would have it, I was there. And my camel was waiting for me as I had Moroccan tea and bread together with people I had truly come to love.

I would go back in a heartbeat, if only because I forgot to take home a handful of Saharan sand that morning. Because the earth is not just what I see of it every day, and I need something to remind me.