One lie, two lie, three...

Journal:
9 Oct. 2013
Today I decided to start a journal. I used to do it in the past and it helped me steady my thoughts and emotions. I found out that my husband has been lying to me about chewing tobacco. He knows that I find it disgusting and he knows that it bothers me. Not everyone that smokes or chews completely disgusts me. Something about how much I care about my husband makes me despise anything that would harm his health. It also frustrates me that he hid it from me. He has always been my person to talk to, but it has come to a realization in my life that I am not his person to talk to. I don't know that I ever will be that person to him. I am more sad than angry. But it also helps me see that he deserves someone that he can talk to no matter what.

When I met my husband he was a fun, attractive man who was so easy to talk to and so interesting. He only drank a little coffee, fruit punch instead of soda, and liked cars but knew little about them. He was my favorite person to be around for 274 days straight. After that something changed. Instead of being the funny, cute, spontaneous girlfriend that fawned over him day and night, he saw me as annoying and clingy. The day that a girl is labeled as clingy--her whole world changes. I would know from experience. When I got called those two nasty words, it twisted my life like a pretzel. I went from being Neil's* favorite person to the last person he wanted to spot in the middle of a packed grocery store.

After three years of back and forth dating and one year of a horrible struggling marriage, I have become a person who is unable to be happy with just taking the punches that life throws at me in my long relationships. I want something even a little easier than this. With him or without him. With or without love.

When I called my husband out on his charade of sneaking around with a dip in his mouth behind my back or when I was gone, I asked him to stop. He told me if I cared about him I wouldn't mind and that what he was doing wasn't a big deal. I then told him if it was no big deal, he could stop, and he needed to if he was going to be with me. He let me know I shouldn't give him ultimatums, that it was ridiculous, and I was just going to have to accept it. Hypocrite. Doesn't he know that he just gave me an ultimatum as well? Something has got to give. The only thing breaking right now is me.

-W

10 Oct. 2013
Yesterday after my husband got home from work late, I had cleaned the whole house out of anxiety and had dinner finished. I said nothing as he happily said "Hello" even though he knew I was upset. I served him a plate and we ate in silence. He turned on the television after dinner and I continued to sit away from him waiting for him to bring up the elephant in the room, chewing tobacco. It never happened. I waited for a chance to bring up how unhappy I've been in our marriage. The opportunity never came. In the middle of watching a heartbreaking love story on Netflix it seemed highly inappropriate to bring up our own short-comings. I believe that my husband was not yet ready for marriage when he asked me to spend the rest of our lives together. I fear now that he knows it, but he hopes things will magically change to his liking by forcing me to accept all of his solo decisions.

Unfortunately, I've learned that marriage is not a game. It's not like when you are seven years old with your cousins and siblings playing House. When you're younger you're fed all of the bliss of a happy home idea. At least while playing. You have a dog and a cat, each of whom are played by family that you love. Also, a happy housewife who cooks dinner and welcomes everyone in to eat, help with dishes, and they all go outside to play together. Such luxuries in a military family are hard to come by. Let alone in a regular newlywed household.

What have I learned since all of these experiences? I learned that people are exactly as they seem. No one will ever be what you will them to be. A dog will always be a dog, no matter how much you try to force them to be a cat. Lassie will never use the litter box even if you put her name on it. That being said, my husband has a track record for lying to me about things he knows I wouldn't approve of, and then doing it anyway. He did this while drinking alcohol the whole time that we dated. He also did it when he wanted to gamble or go to the strip club on a day we were supposed to hang out. I did my own investigating to see around when he started chewing tobacco to see exactly how long he's been keeping it a secret. The length of time seems to make the lying worse. For instance, if someone had an affair and immediately fessed up the following day it would not be as bad as continuing the affair for a year and finally telling their spouse. What it means is delayed guilt. If someone delays the feeling of guilt they are no longer feeling guilty, in reality they are only feeling obligated.

My investigating brought me to just after we had gotten married. When he returned from boot camp we had our outdoor wedding, said our vows, spent three days together, and then he left for Tank School. After which I would move to California and live with him. He started in Tank School where he met his now, best friend, Walt*. Walt is from Texas and has been using chewing tobacco for years. I have always heard many stories of the two going out and going to strip clubs, getting drunk, trying new things, all during Tank School in Georgia. It dawned on me. My husband started this lie, a lengthy one, just after he said vows to love and cherish me.

People are exactly what they seem.
-W

*i changed his name for his privacy sake.