The Talk

11 Oct. 2013
Last night when my husband got home around 1am, he brought his friend over who was also inebriated and was going to sleep on the couch. I waited up specifically for my husband, because this was the last straw. I could be pushed no more. My limit was at its capacity and I was going to burst. So I waited. I waited until he came upstairs so I was sitting in the bed with the light on. He instantly knew I wanted to talk. And he hates to talk. It went a little something like this:
"We need to talk."
"What is it?" He asked.
"I just need you to know that I'm not happy, and I haven't been happy for a very long time." I paused and I waited. I waited for worry, concern, sadness. It never came.
"We shouldn't talk about this right now. Wait until tomorrow when I'm sober, because trust me this won't go in your favor."
"What is that supposed to mean?" I questioned. "Are you going to blow me off with sarcasm or rudeness? Or are you going to treat it as serious as it really is?"
He laid down, covered himself with the blankets and closed his eyes, uninterested.

I had to continue, to let him know that our marriage should be important enough to catch the slightest of his attention.

"I don't appreciate that you're treating this like it's no big deal. I'm not happy. I feel like you don't care about anything I have to say. I'm your wife, and my opinion should matter to you. Even if it's dumb and you don't agree, you should always consider my side."

He began speaking, but with what felt like a touch of sarcasm. His eyes were still closed while he uttered, "so you're mad because I'm going to the casino again with my friends tomorrow and not letting you control me."

I was shocked. What part of 'I'm not happy, consider my feelings' did he not understand? He was again treating me like my opinion didn't matter.
"I'm talking about our marriage. You never take my feelings into consideration. Maybe I want to spend time with you before you leave again for another month."
"You just want me to do whatever you say." He still did not open his eyes.

"I have been unhappy for months."
"So you jump straight to divorce without even talking to me first? Before I even went to Australia you were talking about divorce."
"Yes, because that's how long I've been struggling. And I got us into marriage counseling trying to see if it would change things. Trying to see if it would make a difference. But you still don't listen to me. It took so much strength to even talk to you tonight because you make it so uncomfortable to voice my opinion. You should be my best friend. I should be able to talk to you about anything. And no matter how stubborn you are, you need to understand that by you being so cold you're pushing me away."

Once again, the tone of sarcasm seemed like it was back. "Yeah, wouldn't that be something. Divorce me because I chew now and I wouldn't stop because of you. I'll let everyone know, and they'll see just how ridiculous you are."

My mouth dropped. I was so upset I couldn't find words. After everything I had just said to him, all that occurred to him was that I was upset about the chewing tobacco. "That is one of many reasons."

He waved his hand dismissing, "You have your reasons, then go."
And that was the fight that my husband put up for me. When you imagine how a life changing conversation is going to go, you don't dose as much reality as to be expected. I had to speak up. Was he testing me? Did he not think I was serious? I felt serious.

"Damn it, Neil. Don't tell me to go if you don't mean it, because you're not asking me to stay, you're pushing me away. I do have my reasons to leave but if you tell me to go, I might just do it. So if you care about this marriage, and you--"

"If I didn't care I wouldn't be talking to you right now. Just know that it would be you ending it, not me." He interrupted.

"By you saying that it makes me feel like you're unhappy too, you just don't want to be the bad guy. If you cared, you would be concerned that your wife was telling you 'If something doesn't dramatically change starting now, then I can't do this anymore.' So sit up, right now, give me a hug and tell me that you love me."

He said nothing, but also did not move.

"Sit up. Right now. Give me a hug and tell me that you love me. I will always be a woman who gets upset when I'm ignored, and who needs affection and love to be happy. So I need this right now. And when I'm upset, you need to tell me that you care." Tears were rolling down my face at this point. I couldn't hold back how frustrated I was that my husband wasn't taking me seriously, and wasn't concerned that I would actually go.

To my surprise, he sat up half-heartedly and gave me a hug. A quiet "I love you" spoke over my shoulder and my tears continued. When the hug ended he laid back down and prepped for sleep. "We'll talk more tomorrow. I'm going with my friends. I'll see you when I get back. Goodnight."

For him, the conversation was over. For me, I rolled onto my side and stewed on the matter for another hour before falling asleep.

*********
This morning I woke up by 7am to discover my husband jumping in the shower. He meant it. He was leaving for the casino bright and early to play in a tournament. Around 7:30a he got dressed and before leaving the bedroom blurted a hasty "love you" before rushing downstairs to get his shoes on and hurry out the door.

Somewhere along the lines of watching all of those romantic comedies with him, I would've thought that he knew what priorities were. I suppose not.

-W