A rendez-vous

Tomorrow Lily and I will see each other again. Last week Monday we decided to give each other a break for a week or two to figure out what we actually want from each other, because we both have wanted different things. Up till now there have been quite some frustrations:

1. The one-tailed open relationship: she can sleep with others, but I am not allowed / do not have the urge
2. She would like to keep her freedom and do whatever she pleases
3. There is a disbalance in assertiveness when it comes to meeting each other. I would like to see her more often

At first I was kind of excited that she and I chose the path of one-tailed open relationship. I was excited because it highly likely opened up more possibilities concerning intimacy compared to a standard closed relationship. It would at least open these possibilities at a much earlier state. That was my thought at first. I was both wrong and right. When she told me she slept with someone else, I was very calm at first, wondering if she thought about what it meant to her and how that influenced our bond. It turned out that she prefered having sex with me, because it was more intimate, more related etc. Still, she would not exclude the possibility that she might have another go with the same guy. Clearly, there was some discrepancy between the way she viewed our intimacy and the rush of playing and ending the game of flirting. I didn't know how her little fuck moment would influence me and how I viewed her, but slowly from my unconsciousness I became to loathe her. I was both in pain and aroused by the fact she slept with others. I wanted her to do it more often. I wanted more pain. I wanted it to consume me.

I felt that my deep anger reached the surface and I treated her differently. My anger put a little more spice into our interaction and it even made it more intense. We both liked it. And we didn't at the same time. When I put things into perspective, I figured that I could make her really jealous. So I did. So we played this little cat and mouse game. We made each other jealous. And at the end of each evening the sex became more and more intense. But we broke down at the same time. Fights increased, me asking why I wasn't enough for her, her not wanting me to flirt with others, me wanting to see her more often, her wanting to spend more time with her friends and perhaps some other guys too. What were we thinking?

During our little break for a week, I arranged a sort of date with a friend of mine I hadn't seen for a very long time. We had a good evening, but she and I truly were friends with benefits. No jealousy, just coziness and fun. However, when it came to sex, we both blocked, especially me. I was thinking so much about Lily, so we didn't go further than just touching. No tasting, no sex. I was glad. My friend was glad too, saying that she too was somewhere else with her heart and mind and that she also didn't want to ruin our friendship. It made me more confused. Am I the only one between Lily and me who had difficulty engaging other people? Were my feelings more deeply and sincere than Lily's? I told Lily about my little escapade through the app, breaking radio silence. I wanted to be honest and open about it, because Lily too was honest about her sexual adventure previously mentioned. She reacted calmly, saying that she hoped I would fall in love with my friend and that Lily and I could still be friends. I couldn't believe my eyes. I was enraged. But when I calmed down I asked myself why she told me this. She just tried to not sound jealous. Which was true. I confronted her and she just said things to push me away, but deep inside she still had feelings for me. The radio silence was continued.

I decided to try it again with a different friend a few days later, but she and I were really friends, So nothing happened. At the same time I was starting to miss Lily even more, wondering if she thought about me as much as I did about her. The next day I received an app from Lily out of nowhere, saying that she thought about me a lot and that she would like to meet earlier for a drink, before our group dinner would start. So tomorrow I will see her.

So many mixed emotions have run through me since yesterday. At one hand, I have really missed her and can't wait to hug her tightly and kiss her passionately, make love to her the way we've done before. I want her to feel with every touch, kiss and thrust that I have only wanted her all the time and she is still the one I want. And I want to treat her right again, spoil her with my caring and love. On the other hand, I wonder why she wanted to see me earlier. Would there really change something between her and me? I want her as my girlfriend. I want the social acknowledgement. I can't take this. I need assurance and security.

But I'm crazy about her. And she is about me. And I'm sure she has these contradicting thoughts and doubts too. We're an impossible couple..

I guess I'll just have to wait and hear what she has to tell me.