Borderline

My dear psychiatrist.

I have the urge to call it quits between you and me. It is just the fact that I have come upon a different view on my 'disorder' compared to what is being told.

For a moment there, I actually believed that I am sick and that I should be treated. But what does disorder and treatment mean? It means there is a certain state that is being perceived as normal. And I actually forgot what that meant. I was very interested in knowing what I have, because that would give me certainty and it would be an excuse or reason for who I am. But to be honest, I already knew what I have a very long time ago. It is called having (intense) feelings.

A personality disorder is being described as something that is affecting you so much, that it makes it very difficult or impossible to function in your everyday life. It may look sound, but the fact that your environment determines your everyday life to a very large extent is what is not being considered. Surround a non-killer with killers and the non-killer would be perceived as a whimp, a loser. Surround a killer with non-killers and he would be perceived as a fucking maniac. Surround a nerd with a sports team and he will be perceived as a weak useless person. Surround a sports guy within a team of nerds and he will be perceived as unintelligent and actually just a brainless fucking retard.

So what do I have? I have borderline. In my experience, it is the experience of intense feelings with a constant state of emptiness. This is true for a very large extent. I do feel empty on a regular basis. And I do have very intense feelings that can switch from one side to another. Does that make me unstable? I would call it variable. It is not the emptiness that makes it unbearable. It's what causes this emptiness.

I am a very emotional person and I have the need for deep emotional connection. Do I find it? Very rarely. So the problem is that I am surrounded by people who do not share my need of connection. Try being individualistic in a social environment. Try being social in an individualistic environment. Is it really such a surprise that people have no fucking clue why the fuck you are what you are? Is it really such a surprise that this makes your everyday function cumbersome?? For some reason the thought has risen that this whole thing is just a conspiracy of society. I should be made in such a way that I can be part of the society. No wonder they call it disorder and treatment. I need to be like them if I want to be part of them. Well I say: eat shit.

They don't know what it is like to have the most intense feelings. You don't know what it's like. You are a gentle man with a very peaceful aura around you. But I can bet my life on it that you never had such an intense and deep connection that I once had with Her. You may have stability, you may have peace. But I doubt you have felt the way I did. Do I blame you? No. Do I pity you? No. Then why does society blame me??? Why am I called being sick? All I want is a deep connection. I don't believe in individualism, I don't believe people are meant to be to be on their own. I don't believe we have come upon this world to be a full fledged entity on our own. I believe people are meant to be together and at least have one deep connection to give meaning to themselves and to both of their lives. This only makes me an idealist, not a sick person. Be a femine feminist in the old days and you will be kicked in the groin. Be a feminine anti-feminist in an environment of feminism and you will be perceived as betrayer of your own sex.

And yes it hurts so fucking much when someone leaves you. But it's their fault that they left me!

................

No? It isn't? Exactly. So why are the fingers pointed to those who feel so much more intensely when YOU are the ones that are not able to cope with it? When you are the ones that are insensitive aka emotional dead beings. Just because the majority is unable to cope with it, doesn't make us sick people. It just makes you incompetent. We are just the minority succumbing to your dogmas. We are not hurting anyone. We are just hurt that we are surrounded by an environment that does not share our dreams, our intensity. We are misplaced, not sick. And I fucking hate you for calling us like that.