Impulsivity

Yesterday I had the expectation to go dancing with Lily and sleeping afterwards with each other. She was starting to get her period though and she had cramps. Combined with the fact that we usually don't sleep well together in her bed, made her decide that she didn't want to spend the night together. She only wanted me to come from Haarlem to Amsterdam so we could dance. I refused, I felt like it was all just too convenient for her. I had no intention to just dance for 2 and a half hours so she could kick me home afterwards. Actually, that would be dificult anyway since there are no night trains going between the two cities. So I turned cold on Whatsapp and said I am going to sleep and she should just go have a drink with her friends. Not a minute later she called and we had a little fight. Then we had a nice long conversation but she was still agitated about the fact that we could have danced instead of just talking on the phone. Spoiled bitch. Yeah, that's what I thought.

My impulsive character, however, made me decide last minute to go dancing anyway. So I rented a car to go to her. I really missed her, so I just wanted to hold her in my arms. It's very expensive renting a car, but I thought fuck it. When I suggested my idea to pick her up with the car, she was declining, saying that it's way too expensive and that I don't have so much money. It would be too much hassle too. Lily was unbelievable. She was fickle. As always. I realized that with her I had to be more decisive than ever. So I told her to shut up and I would see her in half an hour. I hung up the phone and quickly went outdoors and fetch the car. When I got to her place, she came down from her appartment. She was beautiful. She was shining. We had a quick kiss and then I sat her down in the car next to me. 'Such spontaneity! I love it!' I figured as much.

We got there and we danced salsa, bachata and then kizomba. We had a crowd when we danced kizomba and afterwards a girl approached us, saying that we dance really beautifully. Another compliment Ego boost. I knew I was good and Lily learned fast. But it's always nice to receive compliments.

During the night we just gave each other space to dance with others as well. I looked at her from the sideline while she was dancing salsa. She was radiating, she was shining. She was happy. At that moment I felt good about myself. When I see you shining and radiating, I automatically become happy. Then it's all worth it... I was thinking about my parents. When my mom smiled or laughed, he would just look at her happily, saying that whatever you want, as long as you laugh and enjoy yourself. My parents are definitely not an example when it comes to relationships, because of the domestic violence they used to have and other related problems, but I knew this was something that transfered to my own beliefs and happiness: "There is nothing more rewarding than making that special girl smile, laugh and shine. "

At the end of the night, she said bye to a few people she knew and as she turned around, I noticed from a distance that there were two friends checking her out and smiling: that ass. Yep.. she's a beauty alright. And she was mine. But she could also want to fuck you guys. Inside I was satisfied. For tonight, she was mine. I told her afterwards that there were these guys checking her out. She had that grin on her face. She liked it. I liked it too. The idea of her having sex with others and hearing her moan. A real turn-on lately.

When we went outside, she told me what a great night she had. She didn't want to sleep alone after such a great night, so we decided to go back to my place. We were intimate twice. The next day we didn't do much than eating, being intimate and resting. My sexual drive was as ever. When I finally was exhausted, I just looked at her and shook my head: How would I ever want to do this with someone else.

(They say guys don't make that dependency hormone after making love with someone, but I'm sure there is something else that is being generated, because I was just really into her. For several months already).

Afterwards we strolled around the city before going back to Amsterdam. In Amsterdam she was being a bit more reserved again: it's her neighbourhood. I accepted it a bit more than I did before, but it still felt awkward.

To be fair, when we meet, we don't do much than making love, eating, sleeping, dancing, resting etc. And everytime I want to see her, I tell myself that we should do something else than just that. I wanted our bond to be more diverse. Yesterday I also told her the following on Whatsapp:

Blegh.. why do I think so much about you? I can't focus. I want to hug you, I want to dance with you. I want to practise Spanish with you or do some statistical analysis. I want to play some fun games with you, watch a movie, play pool, take you out for dinner. I want to give you a massage, make love to you, experience a sundown with you. I want to kiss you in the water, feed ducks with you, do some skating, chess etc etc. I am turning crazy! Al these thoughts and desires. It's so intense. I miss YOU!

For some time now, I realize I want our interaction to be more profound and more diverse. But for some reason I feel we don't have enough time to do so. When we meet, I already miss her when we hug goodbye. Before we meet again, I feel so much intense desire. As if my drive is being recharged right after I leave and it needs to be discharged before we can do anything else than just making love. It's absolutely ridiculous. But I can't help myself. Still, despite our monotonic activities, what I feel for her is intense. There are so many things I want to do with her. I just feel like there isn't enough time.. Nevertheless, I am happy to have seen her. I will probably see her Thursday at its earliest.

When I went back home, I received a message from someone here on md. It made me think. Am I doing the right thing? Shouldn't I protect myself before she would want to leave me and just keep my eyes open for someone else? Why do I feel so attached to her when I can expect her to leave me one day? I really don't mind her sleeping with other men if it's only on a sexual basis. But her leaving me.. the pain. Would I be able to cope with it? Shouldn't I just look for someone else in the meantime?

I have asked myself this question before. And I have refused to do so, because it would mean I would lose the feelings that I have for her. And I am just not ready for that. All I want is her. And that feels great. But still.. sooner or later there will come an emotional hurricane.

Am I doing the right thing?

That's the only thing on my mind right now.