let me go

I heard her speaking to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. Tears fell down my cheeks and my lips were trembling as I tried to hold back what I felt. "Things will be better Anthony." I refused to believe this. Because things have always been the same. I have been the same. The world has been the same. Family has been the same. And the effect of my past has always been the same. I have opened up my heart so many times and it all turned to one result. Whatever I do, it is never enough. I have always been different.

Crying. It is futile. There will be only pity. Being a better person is futlie too. Not giving up is futile. Why should I?

Anger, agression, violence. Only then will people listen because only then will it concern their precious life.

I am so tired of everything. Why am I unable to selfdestruct. Why am I being kept alive? I don't care about anything anymore, but I am afraid. So I keep going, because that is what is being expected of me. But I have been dead for a long time. My vessel has become my prison. I want to get out. I am so tired.

"Just remember I love you."

I knew my best friend loved me. But her words did not affect me. I don't want to be loved anymore. People will always leave you and the world cannot be trusted.

My heart.. it is so broken, I don't want it anymore, just keep it. I don't want to feel anything, not even numbness. Let me be without feelings or just let me go. Life, let me go. I don't want to be here!

Look at me.. writing on a site with self-loathing and insecure people. God I'm pathetic. We are all pathetic. The world is a fucked place. We cannot even be open to our environment and create pseudonyms, because we are afraid friends, family and loved ones would judge us. And here we are, writing self-pity stories about how fucked up everything is, trying to find some acknowledgement from someone, anyone.

And why should we tell them? We are ashamed and the world does not let us be open and honest.

Because they would talk about worldwide problems, economics, politics. They would talk about friends, families, journeys, vacation. Because they would talk about work, colleagues, awareness, fashion, sex, industry, war, peace, rape, murder, humanity, slaughter, locations, dreams, emotions. Because they would talk about development, spirituality, growth, efficiency, technology. Because they would talk about life. It would be enough to talk about. So why bother?

That is why it doesn't matter. How I feel, what I want, my screams, my ache. It doesn't matter. I am useless to the world. They would say I need to man up and help myself. I don't want to help myself. Just end it already.

It doesn't matter how I feel. No one would change anything about it anyway. I am all alone.