permission to be happy

I went to sleep five minutes ago. Then I decided to get back up and write in this fucking journal. Get something of my chest. But I know I won't go that easy.

Today I went to a practical concerning timing on a metronome in the context of bimanual coordination. It was so fascinating and interesting. For a moment I was actually happy. When college makes you happy, then you know it's a good choice. Nevertheless, this evening, I again experienced a relapse. Then it struck me: it will take a very long time to get over her.

Somewhere in a vague memory I recall feeling very empty when I hade woken up after a terrible dream. It was a dream in which me and A. had a big fight and it concerned her leaving me. I had these dreams before when she and I were still together. I used to wake up, crying and then I would realize that it was just a dream since she was lying peacefully next to me. However, the last time I had such a dream was when she and I officially broke up and she was no longer lying next to me. Crying again, but no one there to stop my tears. At that moment it came to me that A and I really were really moving on with our lives, each doing our own thing. Still, she and I recovered our bond and now have a form that works for us both. I am glad about this. The world does not understand. The world doesn't have to understand.

It doesn't help concerning the fact that this thing I feel for Kristina still is going to be here with me for a long time. I am asking myself the question: Do I allow myself to be happy? The answer is no.

After all was said and done, maybe for some reason I feel guilty whenever I have a certain experience of happiness. I do not wish to be happy without Kristina. I do not wish to go on, knowing that what I feel for her is so strong, so vivid. I do not wish to give up this feeling. I would betray my heart and everything I stood for and have stood for still. I would just want to confess to Ellis that I am a broken man and worth nothing for something new. I do not allow myself to touch someone new or get touched by someone new. I belong to her. I've always belonged to her.

Maybe it will get harder than I ever imagined to anticipate on. I knew things would get tremendously difficult, but this void.. it's like I've never experienced it before. Even if some very vague memory on a similar void about someone else might be irritating the surface from inside. I don't know if it's the same or maybe even more intense. I know I want to feel intensity, but this is really cumbersome. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to feel you inside me anymore. But I can't let you go. My memories of you are all that is left of me. The silhouette of our passion, it is what defines me.