Prequal to the big talk

This whole weekend I was completely aroused. She was out with friends to a city abroad and would stay the weekend there, making it not possible to see her these two days. But I had touched myself for 11 times in three days. My libido hadn't been so high for.. maybe 5 years? I was out of control. Just thinking of Lily having sex with others just really turned me on.

How strange..

But the most peculiar thing is that I have regained my heart and soul synchronized with my body. I was still in love with Lily. Next to the sexual part, I was just crazy about her. Today I really wanted to see her and I hoped we could have some lunch together. Only thinking about seeing her and holding her tight made my heart beat like drums during an african wedding ceremony (not that I know what that sounds like, but I think it would be pretty much loud and intense). Unfortunately, I didn't see her for lunch, since she was really busy with work. However, I did get to meet her at her place before I had to work in the evening.

I entered her home and saw her roommates while I routed myself to her room within 2 seconds. She welcomed me and before she could say anything, I kissed her passionately and intensely. I held her really tightly. I wanted us so close together like two bubbles turning into a big one: I really really missed her.

I threw her on the bed and took off my shirt. I wanted her. We kissed, but before we were actually intimate, she told me I had to look her in the eyes and say that I didn't sleep with other women the weekend she was away. I said it. And it was the truth. I didn't care about other women. My whole mind was only set on Lily. We only had 15 minutes because I had to work, which was pretty short. Usually I take around 40 minutes to orally please her before being intimate with her for at 45 minutes. With a lot of effort, panting, sweating and enjoying, we mananged to get one within the time we had. Both satiated, I dressed up again and left in a hurry to get to work. So much for conversation.

After work we called. We had a nice conversation and she highlighted the fact that nothing happened during her stay abroad. I thought it was sweet. I liked her openness. I would like it just as much if she would say she actually did do something abroad. As long as she would be open and honest, I would feel respected. By some cause I had made myself immune. I felt so confident and powerful after that. She could no longer hurt me. I could only hurt her if I was the one sleeping with other women. I liked this mind game. The control was in my hands.

Still, there were issues to be solved. I still wanted to be recognized and acknowledged by her and my surroundings that she belonged to me and I to her. For the outside world, I would still want to make it appear that we were a couple. They wouldn't need to know what our own private arrangement was: it was only for her and my ears to hear and eyes to see.

When she read my mail, she replied on whatsapp that we would have to talk about it face to face still, to make solid agreements and to have a clear picture. But I feel strong. No other compromise. I have given so much of me. No further negotiations. My demands are easy. One sided open relationship with the image to the outside world of a closed relationship. I am perfect for her situation now. If she still would decline, then I would be forced to walk away. If she will not want me, then I would make her see that other women would want me too.

I realize now, that despite my feelings and me being in love, this whole thing has become a mind game of dominance and persuasion. I am in control of myself and the situation. I want to win this. I will win this. There is no losing from my side. I will make her bow to me. I am a man. A great man. I will act according this image of mine.

She won't know what hit her...
I will win.