relationship

I had a conversation with my brother about Lily and me. I explained to him the situation. And a complex one it was. For him, it was difficult and very challenging to understand. And even though I am glad with the current situation, no doubt it is confusing for both her and me as well. But he made some very good points. In my story, he noted that it might just be that it is very confusing because she doesn't know what she wants herself. That's what makes the whole situation confusing too. I agreed. I recall her saying many times that she doesn't know what she wants. He was trying to analyze why she saw things differently and why she and I had chosen to work things out the way we have worked them out. She was not ready for a relationship (with me). But why?

He noted that both she and I had a very different definition and image of what a relationship practically implies. Both she and I don't see us growing old with each other, so we are on the same page concerning this matter. However, she sees that as something that refrains her from wanting to start a relationship. Apparently, she has this picture of a relationship that you would only start one with someone if you see yourself growing older with that person. I, on the other hand, like to see where things are going to. For me a relationship means that at the moment you like being around each other and that there is an exclusivity between the two of you and that you give it meaning and acknowledgment towards the outside world. I like to make small steps, with a relationship included, to see where it goes; for her, a relationship is already a very big step towards the belief that you may grow old together. I can understand very much that this puts a lot of pressure on her.

When I say I want to have a relationship with her, she does not use my definition and value of relationship to understand what I am saying. In her own perspective, I am telling her on her emotional basis that I see myself growing old together with her, even though I'm explicitly saying that I don't. It freaks her out, especially since it's been almost only a year that she broke up with her boyfriend. Consequently, she's not at that point yet (at all).

When she says she doesn't want a relationship with me, I perceive it not as her not seeing her growing older with me. If I did, then I wouldn't feel hurt. How I do perceive her answer, is that she denies that we are connected in a certain way and is embarrassed to openly confess this.

When you both have a different definition and manage different values towards it, it is logical that this creates friction concerning this matter. My brother made me realize that. Of course, I do not know for sure whether the above mentioned is the actual reason why she and I are not in a normal relationship. It's not that relevant for me right now. Like I said, small steps and we'll see where it goes