The irony of my development

I used to know a girl and she told me the following one time:

‘I see how you interact with other women. How good you thrive on female attention. It makes you feel confident and strong and happy. I just know that me as the only girl in your life wouldn’t be enough. ‘

The funny thing was that I partially denied it by making a silly remark, but deep down in my heart I knew she was right. She wasn’t good enough on her own. I just felt insulted that she saw it before I could confess it to myself. The weeks and months that followed consisted of moments that made me want to believe she was enough and other moments that made me rediscover she wasn’t. It was the reason why I kept my eyes open for someone else when we had another fight. Whatever it was what she and I had, it was everything but fairness and respect. Everything around us consisted of lies, deceit and foul play. After all that is said and done, I realize now that it was extremely naive and unrealistic to think something pure and fair would erect out of it. No matter how big our desire was. We had nothing in common. This lack of having things in common, however, was not the thing that gave the breakthrough. I know a lot of couples that are actually the very opposite of each other and they are happy. Still, this fact between me and her was worth keeping it in mind. She was into laws and banking. I was from the medical mechanical area. She had a very traditional pseudo modern view on man-woman relations, whereas I had a more equal modern view. There were other things in which we were very different. I remember that I wanted to see through all this and try to be the person she wanted me to be. An act of chivalry and desire. But it was way out of my league. It put too much pressure on me. I felt like I had to keep her entertained, like I was a circus act. Always wanted to come up with something new to keep her surprised. Though being thoughtful, creative and original was something that emerged from our interaction, it was only a small part of who I was. I could never be my full self. My friends and my little brother saw this too and mentioned it. But the glasses that I put on were unable to focus on this matter. Nevertheless, the things we had in common were the negative things and I could never be fully honest with her. Just as she lied to her boyfriend, I lied to her too. Out of fear of losing someone that I got attached to.

Surrounding oneself with lies and deceit is something many people do for several reasons. Out of shame or fear. To get what one wants (like kissing ass). With the thought of the other person not being able to understand it anyway. To protect him or her from pain. White lies. Black lies. Whatever gets the job done. It gives a sense of power and control. It always backfires though. Some might never perceive it as such and will blame others for any consequences it may have: ‘See? That’s why I didn’t tell you, because I just KNEW you would get upset. That you wouldn’t understand.’ But it’s not realistic. Lies happen and they are in this reality very much present. And though they create a reality in which we all live, they appear out of unreality. There is too much unreality in this reality. This game of manipulation and unnecessary pain I have played long enough.

Just before the end of last year, I told myself that I wanted my life to be with full openness and honesty. No more lies, no more games. It’s one of the reasons why I decided, in contrast to previous B-days, to give an actual B-day party with several people. I had met new people and they were supposed to be a symbol of me entering an age of purity and openness. So any other person that I would (re)-encounter would know who I was, what I stood for, what I wanted, what my secrets were and how I wanted it to be different. No more loose ends. It changed my way of thinking, but more importantly, my way of feeling.

So when I fell in love with someone else this year, I did it with purity and honesty. I closed every other chapter before I would focus on the one that deserved my full attention. No hidden agenda’s, escape plans or safety guards and projects. I was willing to be unprotected and feel the pain of being open and honest. It was not something that I had actively decided, it came naturally because of how I felt and what I felt for that person. It made me happy realizing that I finally had achieved what many before me did so seemingly naturally: to focus and to be happy and satisfied with just one person. I could honestly say to myself and feel that I wanted to commit myself to her and only her. My curiosity in her would be unambiguous. If it were not for the irony.

The irony in this change was that I had changed into a person that was not completely compatible with the person I fell in love with. Had I not changed in my perspective on emotion, devotion and dedication, there would have not been a problem. She believed just like me in living for today, whereas I now believed in living in for today with the view of a tomorrow. She believed in having feelings for someone and being able to enjoy every part of it while knowing it would end one day, whereas I now believed in having feelings for someone only with a (temporary) sense of security it would not end at all. She was able to experience and enjoy the effort, company and love of someone while not having any desire or plans of making it official. I, however, on this matter as well, had the opposite view.

When I like someone, when I love someone, I don’t want to do the same things with other people. I would not kiss someone else, hold someone else, make love to someone else or make a sincere effort for someone else. All that I do, I do it for her and her alone.

In contrast, I used to do all these things before with as many women as possible, either simultaneously or alternatingly. Because life was too short to not give your love and affection to as many people as possible. Life needed love and my contribution to it would only fill the world with more love. An egocentric hedonistic and selfish thought that I did not consider as such back then. But as previously mentioned, it changed. I have become someone who actually does care about who to give his affection to and with what motive. On a monogamous basis, I have given myself worth and value.

When I like someone, when I love someone, I feel and do all these things with the assumption that it will be for something constructive. In contrast, I used to do all these things before without giving a shit about whether it would be for something constructive, stable or official in a new future. I used to think that people with this view fell on the back of their head: there are so much wonderful things in the world, so many beautiful women, so much pleasure possibilities. I would be a fool to give that all up! And the more people telling me the contrary, the more people I implicitly laughed at. But now the joke’s on me.

I have become a person that I would laugh at if I would now explain to myself where I stand for at this moment. I could be ashamed of myself for turning into such a person. But I am not. And what I would have seen as a joke in my earlier days, I see now as truth: life is too short to give your love and affection to several women at the same time. Love shouldn’t be pleasure, shouldn’t be consuming. It shouldn’t be hedonistic. Love is symbolic. In this sense, symbolism is the opposite of functionalism and consumerism. When I love someone, I do not do so as a matter of function. I do not see that person as someone in whom I could squirt my load of cum. I do not see that person as someone who could make me dinner or a place to stay. I do not see that person as someone who could make my agenda full. I do not see that person as someone who could make me happy. I do not see that person to do fun things with. I do not see that person as someone of whom I could benefit. Hence, functionality and consumerism may present aspects of life, but not my experience of love.

When I love someone, I want to see that person in its full glory. The meaning of that person defined by the heart. Meaning is hard to explain, it is something you feel that in the eyes of others may not experience. For example, a hammer has a function. You can use it to strike nails into a board. But symbolism for a hammer is the ability to build a house. And even though the function of a hammer is to strike nails in order to build a house, the functionality of the hammer is not the main essence of the symbol. What something represents is the essence of symbolism. And out of symbolism comes functionalism as a consequence. Not as an end. Ability vs meaning. Functionalism vs symbolism.

Another irony of my change is that because of the way she and I differ in our mindsets and love, I am unable to love her for a large part. I am neglecting a part of her essence that keeps her away from me and therefore I am not fully loving her as the person that she is. She told me we could not be a couple because we are different. She told me that she could not see us together. And because of her interest in going abroad, it is only a matter of time before she will leave.

And yet she stands before me, looking at me with her beautiful eyes, wondering why I can’t see things the way that works for her. Standing before me, kissing me while she knows it is going to end. Wanting to make love with me, while keeping into account that she would lay with someone else in bed in the near future. It doesn’t matter to her, because she lives in the here and now. And right here and now is where I am for her. A view that I used to have myself but have lost its meaning and am unable to understand.

I find myself in the irony of having changed in a way that does not benefit me in my current situation. I find myself in the irony of having fallen in love with someone who according to me is involved with something meaningless. Because it has only functionality and no meaning if you involve with something that you know beforehand is going to end. In the end, the whole dilemma is whether I am willing to change back to who I was. Do I allow myself to change my feelings in order to have peace with the fact that she and I are together without being together? With the inevitability of losing something of myself that nowadays has felt so natural? Do I allow myself to lose symbolism and therefore the essence of my newly found definition of love? Do I allow myself to love her in her full glory by changing my essential definition of love? I find myself in one of the greatest paradoxes I have ever faced. The irony of seeing myself develop only to fall back into an old set of behavioral and thought-like patterns in order to develop. I need to change back to one thing to be able to be the thing that I am changing from. I need to not love her to love her. How is that even possible?