theatraal persoonlijkheidsstoornis

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with some personality disorders: narcisistic, histrionic and borderline.
The first time I heard it, I laughed. But when he told me what they meant, I cried.. I cried because it was so familiar. The way I acted, the way I felt and how I felt, the possible causes. Now that I knew what I had, it could be treated. If I wanted to. But I recognized I would bias myself. If things were in favor, I would thank it to who I am. If it turned out bad, I could blame my disorders.

Today I read some more about the histrionic disorder. I recognized a session with Cees in which he asked me if I didn't think my relation with Kris was deeper and more profound than it actually was. I denied it. I couldn't believe it. After the fights and make-ups, I believed that her love for me was just as strong as mine for her was. But eventually she was able to lose her constraints and let me go. I was heartbroken. I still am. I still think about her everyday.

At the same time I have something going on with Lily. But I am starting to wonder if this relationship is just as profound as my feelings make me believe.

How I feel inside is intense. What I do with them is greatness. I find ways to please the others, to make them feel great. About themselves, about what we have, about me. I am the sweetest guy. At the same time there is this deep agression and frustration inside me. I have dreams.. I don't want wealth or great material things. I want what every person wants. But just a tad more: I want to be loved. Intensely.

I always find myself at the dominant dependent side. I take the lead in everything. It makes me feel competent, but at the same time it makes me feel angry. Why do I have to do everything? Why is the other person so passive and inactive? How I long for someone who lets me relax and prove to me she can lead us. I want someone who smothers me with her love and assertiveness. For once I just want someone who leads me.
But these women I encounter.. they are so passive. And sober. Disappointment.

When you have all these intense feelings, it's hard to see the possibility that the other person does not feel the same as you do. How could that be possible? These feelings.. they are so strong and sufficating in both the good and bad way; how could they not have an allocentric existence between two individuals who are intimately connected with each other? I find myself to struggle with this question everyday. It makes me unpredictable.

At one moment I am praising someone up to the sky, the other moment I cry thinking that the other person does not love me the way I love her. I run back and forth up into and away from their arms. I struggle to see what is real and what isn't.

A very old friend of mine (59 years old) and I talked through the phone yesterday. He recognized three things in me:

1. I am very understanding and able to listen to someone, be empathetic and find a compromise.
2. I have these extremely high standards that she and sometimes me myself can't live up to.
3. I will not be satisfied and happy with a generic / normal person.

He was right. How could I ever be happy with Lily? This generic girl with innocent egocentric self-loving live philosophies? This insecure, introvert and passive girl? How could she ever live up to all my expectations? What am I doing with her? At the same time, I want to make her happy, make her smile and make me feel worthy for standing by her side. I want to be happy with her and want the world to know we are connected in that special way that only few dream of.

There are times that I realize that Lily could be any other girl. She just happened to be in the neighbourhood and in my sight to see. She just happened to be the victim closest. At the same time I do not believe this moment of realizing. If I did, then I would acknowledge that what I have felt for her isn't real. And how could I deny the existence of my feelings when they are the world to me? I would mock my own feelings. I would mock myself.

These pleasing - being pleased - specific feelings - nonspecific feelings are intertwined with each other in such an intense way that I don't know where one part stops and the other begins. It's like I am struggling with my 4 identities and don't know what is real and who I should follow. But I know that Lily is not the one who could make me happy. I just know that letting her go now would make me unhappy.

But there are more things intertwined inside me. I love feeling like a woman. I love my femininity. I need a woman who can be the man and dominate me. I would comply insecurely without hesitation. But I also love my male side. I love my agression, my passion, my lust, feeling competent in making things possible. I want a woman that is a true woman. Who follows me without hesitation and trusts my skills and guidance.

Please tell me. If I have these two big complexes that internally struggle with each other inside an entity that makes me who I am, which woman could live up to my expectations? Who could make me happy? How could I make myself happy with these intense struggles? I love myself but I hate myself. I want to change without changing.

I hate that I have these struggles. And when I read about the nurture causes, not feeling safe in the parental environment, I just hate my parents. How could they not see that they made me feel unsafe throughout the years? Since of recently I have worked with children for my internship. At first it made me emotional, seeing those little critters. Seeing how I used to be too. Listening to them and hearing about their dreams and how their parents supported them. Afterwards it made me determined to love my children the way my parents never loved me. I will make my children feel safe and let them know I will never leave them. I will never threat or use domestic violence.

If I would find the opportunity to meet a woman that would know how to handle me.