When fear becomes excitement

Lily and I have been going together for a few weeks now, although it is not official. But really. What does unofficial mean when 75% of the things you do are part of something official? We cook for each other, I spoil her, with cooking, giving my undivided love to her and her only and the sex we have is mindblowing. I only want it with her. There is only one problem: she doesn't feel the same as I do.

From the start she told me three things that I still carry in my heart and what I am confronted with every day:
1. I don't want any men-hassle
2. I want to enjoy my freedom
3. I just know I am going to hurt you one day

When we are alone, we are a couple and we are doing a pretty good job at it. But outside the 4 walls, we are strangers. Dancepartners. There is no us. It frustrates me. A lot. I feel like I live in the shadows, that my love, effort and dedication has no meaning, acknowledge and value for society. She refuses to, because she does not see us as a couple. And every time she tells me we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, a part of me dies. I mistrust her, as she does not (want to) feel the urge to explain what she is doing before and after the time with me. Combining this with no social acknnowledgment gives me the image of her wanting to appear single for the outside world to be able to be intimate with other men when she feels like it. And keeping me in the dark about it.

I have been insecure and scared because of this. I have felt a lot of pain just thinking about what she was doing when we didn't have any contact. Was she with someone else? Were they having sex? Did she even think about me?

Last Thursday we had another fight. I wanted to kiss her in public but she shook her head, refusing. The whole evening I was just hurt. "Am I a fucking ghost? Do I have to live in the shadows AGAIN? Just when I got over the episode of 5 months where a girl had an affair with me for 5 months? Why does everything have to be a secret? Again? Are you ashamed of me? Am I not worthy enough for you?"

At one point I just asked her: do you want me or not?! She went into tears, saying that she didn't know. When she's with me she wanted to be with me, but at the same time she didn't want to commit or start a relationship. I just wanted to walk away. But I got so attached to her. We talked it over and we had great sex afterwards. But right after that I wanted to talk seriously again. She had to tell me if she was seeing others next to me. She didn't want to open up, she didn't want to give details. I told her she was taking away my freedom of choice. We were in this together, I should have a choice in this matter to and I could only make the right choice if I knew everything. But again, she refused. I told her the irony of everything.. Her telling me to enjoy life, take responsibility etc, but she was unable to follow her own advice. She was a child unable to have a decent adult conversation. She nodded, saying that it might be better for me to find someone else because I would only be hurt by her. We slept in the same bed and I turned around with me back towards her, saying that I didn't want to see her for some time. She caressed me and I told her that despite my choice I would miss her touch. She would miss my touch too. I could hear the emotion in her voice and I succumbed. I turned around again and we slept in each other's arms.

I woke up in the middle of the night just looking at her. I knew that she and I would not grow old together. She wasn't even my type! I like brunettes and feisty girls. She was blond, kind, insecure and introvert. But I was really fond of her.. How could I solve this?

The next morning we talked again. We talked about a fantasy of mine that I put away some years ago. And when I talked about it, I felt a sexual drive coming up. A very powerful one. It was fueled by the same idea that gave me a lot of pain and insecurity: the thought of her sleeping with other men.

The more I thought about it, the more my heart broke. I told her: once I give in to this, I can't go back. I gave in. The heartbreak and immense pain fueled my desire to just fuck the shit out of her. We had dirty talk while we had sex, me asking her if there were other guys that were allowed to fuck her. I asked her many things and made her promise things too. Her answers were perfectly painful and perfectly arousing. I had never been so aroused in my life before and I could see the arousement in her eyes and hear it in her moaning and breathing too.

When I made her come and I had my orgasm too, I laid next to her thinking about what happened. What did I just do?! I destroyed my dream. I destroyed my hopes. I threw away my dream of monogamy that I got just two months ago. I returned back to the polygamous person I had always been before. I had become the filthy animal once again that I despised before. I felt ashamed and I really felt a piece of my heart dying. All I could think was what have I done?

When I left, I was sad and broken the rest of the day. I was angry for being back to who I was. I was angry that I had given my heart to someone who wanted to sleep with others too. I was angry that I fell in love with a disgusting animal. I strolled down the city and looked at everyone with disgust. How could everyone just have sex with everyone else? Or feel the need to have so? They were all disgusting animals. And I had given in to it myself and lost my purity. We all deserved to die. I was so sad and lost. I just couldn't find my place between all these animals. Meanwhile, I got a text message from Lily, saying that I wasn't fully aware how much she enjoyed me, so much pleasure she had. I was disgusted. I felt my body enjoyed it too, but my heart and soul were not synchronized with my body. I felt that I lost my love for her. All that was left was this immense sexual drive. I did't like that at all.

For me to fully enjoy making love, my heart, soul and body would need to be synchronized. My head saying that I only want it with her, my heart feeling so much deeper emotion for her and my body just wanting to fuck her brains out. Only then I would feel perfecly in harmony with myself. I lost it that day and my body took over.

The next day I felt my body taking over everything. I was immensely aroused. I wanted her. All the time. No more romance, no more love. I just wanted to fuck that fucking whore. But slowly my heart and head regained some of their worth. I was really fond of her. Maybe I could lose the thought of us having a normal relationship without it being the end of the world.

I realized that this opened a whole new dimension that I could not have with a normal relationship. I wanted to exploit it. I wanted to live up to my sexual fantasies and experience it with her. In this way, it could fuel our sexual experience even more and she would not feel like she needed to conceil things for me: because it would only exite me and could be used for our own intimate quality time. So I wrote her an email with new conditions.

We both didn't want a closed relationship, but for this to continue I would still need full honesty and openness. I would still need the social acknowledgement of us being together. The only thing that changed was that she was free to be with anyone else at the same time, as long she was open about it and could tell me about her experience (during us having sex).

I am waiting for her reply. If she cannot accept these conditions, then I would have to walk away. It is one thing to break my heart and shatter my monogamous dream. I will find someone else in a later stage of my life who would like to spend her life with me together. It's okay. But I refuse to live in the shadows once again. I want to be fucking acknowledged. I want her to be mine in any other way and I want her to claim me.

I don't ever want to live in the shadows again. I refuse!