episode

I don't want to change who I am.
I just want to stop to be.

I am so confused. I have all these ups and downs. The downs feel so much more intense lately.. I don't know how long I can bear this. One moment I think I got it all figured out, thinking about love, connection, feeling confident. And then it all collapses like house of cards. I feel useless, empty, just really really sad. And all I am thinking is.. you left me Kris. You left me alone. Where are you? I need you, I miss you. My life has no meaning without you. I am nothing without you.

This sadness.. it progresses even up to positive things. Crying about sad things, this emptiness. Crying about the kindness of others, thinking: wow.. you are so kind. Sadness saddens me, life saddens me, love saddens me, positvity saddens me.

When I got home I just looked at myself in the mirror for maybe half an hour, thinking: if only I could hug myself. I would need it now. What do I see in the mirror? I feel so imprisoned.. in my body, in myself, in this life. I just want to get out...

I don't know what part of my is saying this. Am I losing my mind? How many years will I hold on before I collapse?

Today I felt the real urge to cut myself again.. And if the store wasn't so far away, I would have considered it too. Get drunk again and cut myself, bleed to death like I should have done so in March. Kris saved me.. but for what? What is there to be saved? What am I? What am I doing here? Why won't you let me die? Why won't you let me stop existing?
....
It's very hard to distinguish whether I am just really heartbroken supplemented by what the Western World calls borderline or whether it is just that borderbullshit. I'm angry. and sad..

Last time at work I got a compliment from my managment, saying I was doing so well, making progress and being an example for other team leaders. That lifted my spirit. But if only they knew what I feel inside regularly.

Soon I will have my birthday. If I will make it. I probably will, though.. Fucking shit. Celebrate WHAT? What is there to celebrate? I am no special son, not a special brother, ...

Goddamit I'm fucking mindfucking myself. Acting like a 16 year old teenager. Stop it.

I need to press on.. Something has to be out here worth living for. Even if it's a surrogate, just fool me. Guide me, use me. SOMETHING.

Anthony you idiot.. tomorrow you will probably regret what you typed just now. Or maybe tonight already.
I saw a dog today outside the store. I definitely want one later on. Fuck humans. Good for nothing.

I think my eposide just finished. I'm okay. No more sadness, nor anger. Just a bit of spite. I can bear that.

So that's the title. Episode.